How I came to be the person I currently am...
How I came to be with the people around me now...
How I came to be learning in the place I currently study...
How I came to perceive things around me in my personal ways...
How I came to be this person all of you know right now....
Is all the result of what happened to me in my past...
Everything I am now is the result of my doings and every single thing occurring around me within the past 20 years...
0 ~ 12 years old
I was a kid who knows nothing of what is happening around me. I was a kid who was living in his own playground. I was a kid who was living in a world of wishful thinking. I was a kid who sits in a car and the next thing I know was I am already in a different location. I was a kid who had a hard time in understanding people for being who they are. I was a kid who was pushed around by both the teachers and the students. I was the kind of kid who did not have the past of childhood many others love to recall about. I was a kid who was totally messed up because of every single thing that was around me. I was a kid who had to struggle to cope up with the reality of life. I was a kid who just so happened to be facing the difficulties in life one thing after another. I was a kid who was alone against the world. I was a kid who was not fortunate enough to live a beautiful life every normal kid deserves. I was me.
I remembered the very first thing I saw when I came to life. Meaning the first time I started to "see" and was able to start "controlling" my body (Its impossible for a person to start controlling themselves when they were still a little baby). I was in a dream, I was riding a horse and the horse was simply standing in a stable held by another man who was controlling it by its side. It was a normal dream. However, I immediately woke up from the dream in shocked to an extent of immediately waking up in a sitting position instead of lying down. I was sweating all over. It was as if I had a terribly bad dream.... After I calmed down, I then continued to sleep. Regardless of how weird it sounded like, that was the first thing I encountered in life. The next morning, I was living my life normally without actually realizing that was the first time I was able to control my life. Everything was so natural and my memory about things around me simply fits in normally. Everything started from there onwards.
I also still remembered some of the silly things I encountered in life when I was little. I remembered singing every now and then when I was happy. I remembered the time when I was playing with my puzzle and then I cried because I thought my brother and sister stole the fragments of the puzzle from me but actually everything was situated under my ass. I remembered having a bad dream seeing the picture my puzzle portray which was my favourite characters being injured beaten up by the evil enemies who looked just like them but meaner. I remembered riding my tricycle going straight towards a lorry without thinking and hit the iron bar or something with my head which then made me fell from the tricycle crying. I remembered having to go through excruciating pain to cut the extra skin from my penis and it took the operation 3x more than my brother took because it was awesomely small, which of course I blame my mother for sending me to do so too early. I remembered the time I fell of a bike when I lost control of my tricycle towards down the hill. I remembered when my head was hit when closing the door of a van. I remembered many other silly things I encountered in life.
However, everything changed when I entered primary school which ended my completely sheltered life. I practically had no friends as I find myself different from others in terms of personality. I also had no interest in learning which affected my life negatively. My teachers usually scold and punish me like idiots as if that was the only solution to such matter which however made it worse because I wanted to skip school and did not pay much attention to what the teachers were teaching because I was afraid of everything they were about to say. I was practically scared most with the Arabic teachers and the teachers who teach Islamic subjects. They were the strictest in terms of punishment and teaching. I actually had no idea why "Jawi" and "Arabic" was different, I only knew the answer to that when I entered secondary school. I didn't know anything about Arabic and jawi be it in terms of spelling and everything else. There was this one female teacher who practically screamed like crazy towards all the stupid students which made it worse, I was MOSTLY afraid of her. She made me feel completely stupid and useless. I was marked as the stupidest kid by the teacher and I had to go through that for the whole 2 years. I swear if I ever had the chance to meet with her again, I would really love to punch her in the face for negatively affecting my life and practically almost ruined my whole future for scarring my perception towards school and completely erased my intention to study even when I'm in the secondary school. This also applies to each and every other teacher who made me feel that way. But luckily I never had that chance.
I had no friends whatsoever, there were times I had friends to hang out with but none of them entitled me as their best friend. I was also bullied by some of the other students as well. This was basically the time of my life where I was totally alone and was bullied by teachers and the students as I was marked as an idiot. I seriously can't explain how terrible it feels like being me back then... To be afraid most of the time... To feel like a useless trash that could not achieve anything... To be alone with no one else to comfort you, understand you or even share any thoughts with you... It was a total length of 5 years of agony being mentally tortured as a kid. Add that with the kind of parents who usually scold and pressure you to have good results... There was actually no place for you to feel comfortable. But I admit there were changes when I was 12 years old, the last year in primary school. It was the only time where I actually enjoyed going to school and had some people that are worthy to be called as my friends. I was no longer bullied by any other student and even my teachers were extremely nice. I felt comfort and fun when I went to school during that time. I believe if this did not occur in my life, I would probably be living a different life rather than living the kind of life I am living now. I could not remember who my teacher was back then, but I am really thankful that she was my teacher. It was the first time I actually studied and got 4A's and 1B for UPSR. This was a high achievement for me, especially for me. These were basically the important factors I encountered in life which managed to shape my character. I believe this is the stage which shaped me into being who I am today by 50%.
13 ~ 20 years old
This was the time when everything about me was changed completely. Previously I was just a kid who accepts every single thing everyone negatively says about me and does absolutely nothing about. But I figured that I had been living my life by following the laws around me all my life and nothing good had I achieved from it. This was during the time I decided to revolt and walk my own path and act according to my own choices. I already encountered painful situations that many others could not simply comprehend, what kind of other painful situation can this "secondary school" inflict to me I asked to myself. Whatever it is, it can't be worse. However, this kind of thinking only took place during my time when I turn 14 years old. It took me a whole year to get used to the school. It turns out that the secondary school I entered was bullshit. Not that I am surprised. Well, this is because my eldest brother Amir was from that school as well. From what I know, he was one of the worst students who revolts the way the school handle things. Every time I heard about him, it must be something about him revolting the teachers and stuff. He was practically well known for his behaviour of going against the school's order. Heck, I was practically surprised being a midget I was before, I had to carry a huge beg pack contained tons of books while my brother went to his school bringing a beg which contains nothing at all.
There was a time when a teacher slapped my brother and my father then decided to come to school to confront him. The teacher pissed his pants because of his cowardice. My father asked him why he slapped my brother. He acted as if he doesn't remember who he slapped yesterday. My father then scolded him by asking how many students did he actually slap yesterday then? The teacher said that he will continue listening to what my father have to say after he finished his class, but it turned out that the teacher quickly ran away after the class was over. The school was supposed to be the place where teachers shape the student into becoming a better person. But from what I see, the school I was in only focus on the students who are already intelligent. The ones who are not performing well academically were treated as trash of the society. They gave no hope whatsoever to these kind of students and frequently label them as trash instead. Is this how people who call themselves "teachers" supposed to treat their so-called students? The only thing I know about them is they frequently complain about their job and kept demanding the students to respect them. With me, it won't work that way. If you want to be respected, then you have to respect me first.
During my form 1, I succeeded in entering the smartest class in school which is called the class of "Amanah". As usual the class system works in alphabetical order to define how stupid we are. During that time, obviously I could not cope up with all the other students who appeared like a geek or a genius in studying with their spectacles on and their study-freak looks on their faces. I only managed to reach that level because of a fluke. I never studied except during my final year in primary school. I spent my form 1 mostly by trying to socialize myself with others. During this year, I did not yet revolt but decided to follow the way of the school and tried to understand how the school works instead. I find it very frustrating when the teachers use the stupid quotation "If other's can do it, then why can't you?". I really could not understand their stupidity... If their quotation is true, then why does the word "genius" even exist in the dictionary? Why is it that everyone considers Einstein a genius if his level of intelligence can be reached by simply "working hard". Why is it a "musical genius" exists even though many other people are struggling like crazy practicing as well. Why is it a person can easily understand certain things faster than other people? If that is not something you call "genius", then what do you call that? Obviously when the teacher teach, certain people can understand it faster than others. People can't change this no matter how much they focus or how "hard-working" they actually are. This is called genius and yet they are questioning such matter. If other people can become a millionaire and a professor, then why the hell are you so stupid and became a teacher instead? Ever asked yourself that question?
During that time, I tried to cope with others but I failed miserably. Everyone was easily understanding what the teacher was teaching and there I was clueless of what was happening around me. In the end, I got last place during exam. When I turned 14 years old, I changed my ways. Because as far as I know, trying hard does not make me happy and it does not make me successful. I went down 2 classes from "A" to "C" which is "cekal". I no longer want to concentrate on studying. I spent most of my time sitting in a corner, analyzing people around me. This was the first time I started to actually analyze people. Before this, I was a midget, a loser, an idiot and unattractive in terms of everything including my personality and appearance as well. I remembered the time when I was walking upstairs and wanted to comb my hair using my hands and the girls behind me laughed at me for doing so. In other words from their point of views it was pointless for me to do so because my hair will still be ugly regardless of my attempt to repair it. The girl laughed and told her friend "Did you see that!? *giggle*", her friend replied in whisper "Shhhh, he might listen...". Obviously they were talking about me because I was the only dude there and there was nothing else to "look" at. I hated people, both the girls and the dudes. I find them to be an irritating existence in my life... I hate the teachers... I hate everyone...
I decided to change my path and do things I don't usually do. I avoided from talking with people. I usually sit in a corner and observe them instead. I tried to understand why they behave the way they are behaving. I looked at the way they look at each other, the way they respond to things, the way they look at the person they love or hate, the way they treat the people they love or hate, the way they lie to people, the way they talk bad things about people and behave differently when they are actually talking to them, the way they mock and make fun of people they find unattractive, the way they compliment the people they like, all the other things as well. I find most of them to be "Hypocrites".... They say bad things about idiotic people and ugly people, but when it comes to the person who looks physically "attractive", they compliment them like crazy regardless of their stupid behavior and idiocy. They treat people they find unattractive as if they don't exist and sometimes even treat them negatively but when they treat the ones they are attracted to they act like an angel. This goes for both the girls and the dudes. I despise them. I decided to observe instead of participating and I learn many things by doing so. I see how pointless people have a "crush" towards each other, confessing to each other and getting into a relationship just to later on break up and repeat the same process. I hate everyone because they are never innocent. I choose to walk a different path and avoid from becoming these "hypocrites" I despise.
I changed myself completely. I changed my hairstyle, I changed my behavior, my way of walking, my way of talking, my way of thinking, everything. I revolt everything. Due to my observation, I noticed a few people who go against the path other people are living their life. In other words the delinquents. I hang around with one of them and with another, to an extent that I unite them together which then make them fond with one another. This was the group that I myself had made consisting of people I find myself comfortable to be with, who are not hypocrites and act the way they are because they want to. The teachers were beginning to perceive me negatively, and was starting to treat me like a delinquent. I come to class late very frequently, I never do my home works because I never pay attention in class and I never respect my teachers. I frequently skip classes and school. At first I started to skip school by hanging outside the school. But then I perceive it to be as a "loser's" way of doing it and how stupid it actually is so then I usually skip school by hanging out in my own house by purposely waking up late or purposely going back to my house by giving any excuses to my mom. But then it was hard to do so, so I decided to skip classes by hanging out in my other friend's classes or by hanging around in the teacher's room, in other words "bilik guru". It's amazing how they can never tell that you are actually skipping class.
I usually go against the teachers because I hate the way they are being bias to students according to their intelligence. I defy them, but I defy them in ways that they can't fight back. In other words, I defy them intelligently, not in a way that they can punish me or spank me as much as they want. I was one of the "smart" delinquents because I defy them but they can't punish me like they punish the other idiots because I was the ONLY ONE who questioned their judgement and actions. Believe me, they were shock to encounter a student like me and does not know how to deal with me. I remembered the time when I had a very strict English teacher, everyone hated her and was afraid of her because of her strictness and because she usually scold people like crazy. Her class starts immediately after recess and she is strictly on time. I still remembered how her first class started during my form 2. At first everyone was scolded one by one because they came late to her class, everyone was terrified by her. No one was allowed to sit until the end of her class. The next day, being ignorant as I was, I did not copy the timetable so I did not know that after recess it was her time to teach my class. I went upstairs after hanging out with my friends. It was our "routine" to hang out during recess longer than we are supposed to. I went upstairs, I was walking by my class and I noticed everyone was standing like idiots. I even noticed some of the girls were looking at me with their terrified face. I then noticed the English teacher standing by the door. I entered and said "Hello" as I passed her and then went to my seat as if I was innocent. She told everyone to sit down except me. She went to my seat and asked me why I was late while everyone was early. It was because of my fault that everyone had to stand like idiots. I argued by saying I was late because I was late and it was not my fault that they had to stand, it was a matter of fact her fault because they were still punished despite their innocence. Became unsatisfied, she told me to call myself an "Idiot". I refused to do so. She told me to do so again. I refused again. She then asked me why I did not want to call myself an idiot. I told her it was because I am not an idiot... Therefore I shall not call myself an idiot. She said nooo, I am an idiot because I came late to her class and that I must call myself an idiot or else I will be forced to stand and she will stand there beside me until the end of the class until I declared that I am an idiot... What a stupid mistake she made lol... I then said "Okay"... I stood there, looking outside the window while ignoring her who so happens to be standing there beside me. After half a minute or so she went back to her table and started teaching while I ignorantly sat down. Instead of making a fool out of me, she made a fool of herself.
I remembered the time when I went to school one day during Friday, I forgot to wear my "sampin" and "songkok" before entering the school but I was still holding them as I enter the school (It was compulsory for the student to wear them every Friday). I didn't wear them, but I planned to wear them properly once I reached the class. As I enter the school, I had to walk pass the discipline room. Standing outside was the discipline teacher. I noticed a dude in front of me, a delinquent to be more precise, he was also not wearing them. Then when he reached the teacher, despite him being a delinquent, he was apologizing to the teacher in fear and was pinched like an idiot. It was painful I can obviously tell. I really don't know how is it that they think they can easily pinch students as long as they want to, it is not mentioned in the school's regulation book, so in other words it is not permissible. I walked there to pass the teacher by and then he tried to pinch me. I was like "Wtf? Dream on fool...". So I hit his hand away as he tried to reach for me and then continued walking upstairs to my class. He was speechless despite his "strict" appearance which means that he was either afraid or he knew that such action was not allowed to begin with.
There was also a time when I was not wearing the school uniform on Wednesday (it was compulsory to wear a uniform on Wednesday) but instead I wear something else which says "Hard-Rock" on my t-shirt. But the colour of the t-shirt was practically the same with the uniform. My "Bahasa Melayu" teacher noticed me wearing such outfit and ordered me to go home. I refused to do so... She then told me to go report to the discipline room and said if I didn't, she will report it to the principal. So I went to the discipline room. The discipline teacher was very cocky. He told me that I was in big trouble. I was like "Who does he think I am? An idiot?". So I told him that I mistook the shirt for my uniform because the colour was the same. He said that I was lying. I said that I wasn't (of course I was lying). He said that he could not believe me because many other students have lied to him. I then said that it was none of my business, my situation has got nothing to do with them. He told me that what I am providing him is simply an excuse without evidence, so he can't trust me. I then argued and said it is your job to believe what the students have to say, I am already telling you the truth, if you can't believe me, then it's your problem, not mine. He became angry and hit the table with his hand and shouted "Kurang ajar!". I was like, no I am not, I am simply telling you the truth. He was afraid to punish me physically because he knows I can argue with him and make it sound as if he was guilty. He then sarcastically told me to go to the principal and said "Pegi la jumpe pengetua, pengetua kan lagi besar dari saya". I then said yes, he is much bigger than you, therefore I shall settle this with him instead. He was frustrated and it was my win. I went to the principal, puts on my innocent face, gave the same excuse, and it was accepted. I went back to the class. The teacher scolded me and told me to go home. I told her, the principle himself told me it is okay, who the hell do you think you are to order me around? XD! Frustrated, she then continued teaching.
In short, there were many other incidents that I go through which then made me well-known for my status as a delinquent. For example, I started doing "parkour" with a friend of mine, and we used it to do vandalism at school. But not all our vandalism were bad, some of them are actually good for the school. For example we once climbed the school's hall exterior, and sprayed the walls. Normal dudes can't climb the wall so people had no idea how people reach there. We were not much good at graffiti, so what we did was basically writing words instead. Not foul words, but our favourite words such as "parasite" and stuff. It was ugly, but at least it was not a negative word. Every day we sat outside the school in the middle of a road people use to pass by and look upon it and be proud of it. The elders looked at it and only smiled due to the fact that it was quite funny. The school painted the hall to cover the sprays and it basically made the school into a much more beautiful place, all thanks to us! I don't know why, but some of the students actually fear me as if I had many "bad" friends to beat them up. Of course I had those kinds of friends, but I'm not that kind of person. The weird thing was, due to my rising hormone, instead of being a midget and ugly as I was, I had grown and became somewhat attractive, LOL (not being prasan, please bear with me...). So girls were starting to notice me, the very same girl who laughed at me when I was repairing my hair the stair started to treat me differently. Somehow people were starting to notice me and were attracted to me and my cousin who so happens to be in the same school and also being a girl, kept on informing how my name is starting to be in the girls topic of conversation. My cousin was quite famous due to her friendly nature so she had a very wide connection of friends. But being the dude I was, I hated it. Just because my appearance changed a bit and I became a bit taller, everyone was treating me differently, just because of my appearance? Now my stupidity was somehow acceptable? Even my delinquent activities are acceptable? I hated their way of looking at things and their way of judging people. The girls became interested with delinquents, what for? What a pointless relationship that goes nowhere and will certainly not last even a year, what about marriage? pffft, impossible. I hated these hypocrites who judge people unfairly. I don't mind if they treat the one they like positively, but why do they have to treat the ugly ones or the stupid ones negatively despite them doing nothing that affects them? I hated them.
Well, it was not that I intentionally became a delinquent without any apparent reason aside from my personal experience back in primary school. It was also because I was already "marked" by the discipline teacher because I was Amir's little brother, so they thought I would be a delinquent as well. I hate them for stereotyping people, so I gave them what they expected of me, but at a higher level. I hated the teachers, I hated the students. This goes on until I almost turned 16 years old. During this time of year, all my delinquent friends blamed the school for their stupidity, but truth be told it was actually because of them themselves, not the school. All of them went to transfer to a different school. When I say all of them, I really mean ALL OF THEM. I became all alone. I was like "wtf, now who do I hang around with?" But I pretty much didn't care because I hated hanging around with other people. I entered my form 4 and everything started to change. Well, truth be told, my relationships with my delinquent friends were starting to become awkward anyways. Because I can't go out to hang out as often as they do, they pretty much hang out each and every day and night. The next thing I know was that they are starting to become more stupid and doing ALL the stupid things. Despite the fact that I am a delinquent, I know my limits. So it was actually good that they transferred school. It's just that now, I had no one to hang out with. So I became all alone again.
This was the time when I started to hang out with friends who I am still hanging around with until now such as Siddiq and Acap. Due to my observing habit, I find them to be the kind of people I like to hang out with. So I approached them and became friend with them, they are nice people and it turns out to be that my observing skill is truly AWESOME because its true. Acap was from a different class, I was previously in his class before I transferred to another class where Siddiq was in. At first I hang around with Acap, we made an assignment of designing something new for the world in terms of technology. We invented a "ring" which PAWNS everything and can even ridicule the Iphone. Basically everything can be done with the ring. Communication, information, entertainment, hologram, you name it. Then I transferred to Siddiq's class. In this class, I started to become interested in studies for the very first time... An English teacher of the class told every new transferred classmate to stand in front of the class to introduce themselves in English, including me. That was the very first time I had to speak in English. I never spoke in English during conversations but somehow I was quite fluent speaking it. Which is weird.
Everyone suddenly perceived me as the "intelligent" student just because I could speak in English well, which I find to be weird and unfair because that pressured me to study in order to live up to their expectations. Their expectation raised even more after I presented a presentation of mine in English. The English teacher also treated me extra special compared to the rest because of my English which I find to be bias but I was okay with that since many other students does not even put an effort to study English. During my presentation the teacher suddenly told me to present the presentation of the 3 girls before me as a summary before I started to present my presentation, which I fluently presented. I was quite proud of myself because I didn't know I could speak in English well before that. It was my first time. I was then sent to become one of the dudes to enter the English debate competition as a school representative but I asked the other dude who just transferred from UK to compete so that I could just become a spare, weee~! I communicated with him and there were two senior students of mine who speaks in English 24 hours type of person, when they heard me speaking they were like "Is he speaking? I'm amazed". I was like, at least whisper to yourselves la so that I could not hear you guys. Do I look that stupid? But that's how the way it is in my school. Those who could speak and write are simply considered as one of those "intelligent people". I still do not know how is it that I was able to speak and write acceptably. Writing I could accept because I play games frequently, but speaking? People even say that I have my own accent which I don't think I have, even until now. Well, whatever it is, I am thankful that I could do well in English without properly practicing it. I actually became the English President for my School club, so cool I am, lol.
Due to people's high expectation of me, I started to study and perform in my studies. People no longer perceive me as a delinquent I previously was. Even my cousin said some people were shocked to notice me studying and becoming a nerd instead of a delinquent. I actually managed to score higher than the 3 genius nerds in my class several times in exams. The fun part was noticing how shock they became each time I score higher than them, =P. I started to focus doing parkour as well, because Amir forced and dragged me into it after he was motivated to see another Malaysian dude doing it on the Internet. I then dragged Siddiq and Acap to join it as well. I dragged Siddiq to join by insisting to borrow his camera. Acap I dragged to join by telling him to participate with me and Siddiq to do an assignment regarding a book assignment entitled "The science of movement", we won 1st place! I think Siddiq and Acap continued to become interested with it because other people in school recognize it as something cool. This was how we continued to do what we are doing even until now, to an extent of basically representing Parkour Malaysia. When I think about it, it is actually a very high achievement, but most of the time I pretty much just ignore it.
I practically started to study like crazy after my result for Modern Maths suddenly became worse than Siddiq... He actually became motivated and studied like hell after that. His motivation scared the hell out of me which then motivated me to do a study group with Siddiq and Acap. Much funny stuff occurs regarding to learning such as the study group we had together. I was very motivated, I had a whiteboard and we all discussed the question and answer together one at a time. There was a dude we call "John", he was really the irritating guy who really spoils our mood to study because he was so arrogant and said Modern Math is too easy but in the end he couldn't even score an A for SPM. I really do not know how he became Acap's close friend during that time. I also remembered the time when I had home tuitions with Siddiq. They were all funny memories. Can you even imagine how we skipped HOME tuitions? Yes, we are that skillful... Mostly because we were not able to finish the homework, because the homework was very hard... Because of all these studies we had together, I believe it was the main reason we managed to enter UIA together. Although we did not even plan to enter it in the first place, nor did we plan to enter any institution together. It simply happened accidentally or in other words coincidentally.
During this stage of my life, everything was starting to become okay... My academics, my friends, my teachers, my life... Everything was slowly turning out to be great and perfect... All things that I have learned, I learn because of all the pain I had to go through and all the great things I was blessed with. The guy I have become today is the result of my past.. It is difficult for someone to just simply interpret and understand me correctly, because truth be told, I am complicated, especially in my ways of thinking. Because of my past, it helps me in overcoming the challenges I have to go through in the future without becoming confused or emotionally unstable because I have faced cruel harsh times and spent most of my time simply observing and understanding people around me, enough to make myself ready.
Many other things happened to me that I can talk about, but I think it is too much to be shared with others... And some things are better kept to myself... My life in UIA and everything happening in between... I'll keep it to myself... What I know is that, I am the product of the struggles I had to go through in the past... I wouldn't change a single thing about me... But I wouldn't want to do it all over again as well... I am what I am today because of everything I do and did during the past of these 20 long years of my life...
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ParasIteIsAnExIstence / AmmarHaidhar
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ParasIteIsAnExIstence / AmmarHaidhar