Saturday, October 13, 2012

Jetman (RETURNS!!!)

Jetman is literally a very simple facebook game application. The game consists of your character and random obstacles which generates as you move ahead. You cannot control the speed of your character, nor can you change the direction of where you are going. It is a two-dimensional game. You can only control your character with ONE button (either space bar, or left click). Your character is jetman, a person wearing some kind of jet on his back to keep him flying off the ground. Once you click on the button, your character goes up, once you let it go, you go down. Of course with the momentum of you going down, there's a resistance which requires some effort to fly your character upwards again. This is the main reason why people lose in the game, one wrong move, your dead. The delay is your greatest enemy. How do we lose? If any part of our body makes contact with the obstacle (the blue ground, blue ceiling, and random blue obstacles in between), we lose. How do we win? Hell no! You can't, its repetitive which is why it is addictive and annoying. The moment you lose, you blame yourself for being careless, thus you play it again and again and again and again until you get  dizzy and do something else.

Yesterday, I was very bored and then I remembered the existence of this game which Mizah introduced to me years back. I looked at my high score and I was like.... 7699?? Pffttt!! Thats too LOW!! You embarrass me my past-self! So I played.... An hour later, I gave up. The highest I could reach was 6000+... Well-played my past-self... Well-played... I played the game while talking to myself as if I was the actual person flying in the game. There were several scenarios in which I put myself in as I play the game (in a way, this motivated me to play the game and endure the consecutive failures). At first I imagined myself as the jetman, given the responsibility and opportunity to save the world. For every second longer I survive, the world gets to live for another year. Meaning if I only survived for 10 seconds, the world only have 10 years left. Thus along the way, I was talking to myself, imagining myself saving the world as I play the 2-dimensional game. Some of the things that I said to myself while playing:

"I can do it, I must save the world. Even if its just for one more second. Every second counts!"

"I must survive so that the people on earth could live long enough to see their grandchildren!"

"This is my responsibility... I can do it.. I must- (runs into an obstacle)... Okay, lets do this again."

Today, I played the game for another hour since 9-10pm. I had no intention of breaking my high score, but boredom gives me no other choice. So yet again I find myself playing this 2-dimensional addictive annoying game. This time I pretended that jetman is actually a game-show.For every 1000 points I get, I will be rewarded with worldly achievements, the next thousand always better than the previous one. For example, I pretended that if I passed the 1000 score, I will get an SPM certificate without going to school at the age of 1 years old (yes, I imagined myself being reborn in this world, and my life was decided by a game called jetman). If I passed 2000, I will get a degree, 3000, I will get a Master's degree, 4000, PhD, 5000, Millionaire, 6000, 10 million, 7000, 100 million, 8000, billionaire, 9000, as rich as Bill Gates, 10000, richest man in the world. And all this at the age of 1 years old! Well, you get the picture.

Impressively, by deceiving myself I managed to motivate myself into focusing even more towards the game to an extent that I managed to overcome my previous high score! From 7867 to 8677! Woohoohh! I was a friggin Billionaire with a PhD!! Muahahaha! And so I played the game a couple more times before I decided that this will be my last time playing this annoying game. After I lose this one, I will stop playing it. So I tried to focus towards the game CONTINUOUSLY seeing how it was my last time playing it (Yes, the main reason why people lose this game is because along the way, they lose their concentration and fail to judge the next movement which is required to overcome the next obstacle). Amazingly, I managed to overcome my previous high score! I broke my own record twice in a day! 

The moment I reached the 5th digit, I quickly banged my head towards the next obstacle to celebrate with joy! (Using the character in the game of course). Now will you look at that, I am now the richest man in the world with a PhD!!! Wooohoooohhhhh!!!! Yeah.... Hmm........

so......... now what?

Yup, so I basically reached the end of the game (My own perception towards the ending of this game is to reach 10,000 score. To try and aim for more than that is a waste of time and a waste of energy, you'll end up being annoyed instead of enjoying yourself). 

This game is fun, but it isn't good to play for too long (for example, more than an hour) because each time I play this game, it will affect my perception. How so you ask? My surroundings will move back and forth a bit (just a bit), especially the monitor. I assume it is because of the repetitive moving blue-colored background which affects me in such a way. I play more than an hour, I get dizzy.

Hmm... What else can I say about the game? Oh yeah, if you intend to play it, I advice you to try keep positioning your self as high as you can because you can instantly go downwards, but it takes time to go upwards, thus you will run into obstacles most of the time because you don't have enough time to fly upwards to dodge it. 

*sniff sniff*, I guess this is goodbye jetman. It was fun while it lasted, but I can see that our relationship must not continue further... Its not you, its me.... (I've always wanted to say a cliche line like this!). Okay, now there is only one hour more before today hits midnight! Time well-wasted :D! I hate boredom :/


Monday, September 24, 2012

Being Friendly

Everyone have their own style of being friendly. Some are only friendly with those who are nice to them, some are only friendly with those they are comfortable with, some are friendly with EVERYONE be it with random people they see around them. However, people tend to have misunderstandings when they judge other people in terms of their "friendliness". I don't really know what you call it specifically, but it is commonly known as the person's aura or the vibe they bring out to others. Have you ever met a person who is very very friendly with the people they hang out with, but whenever you see them with other people (with you for example), you tend to feel the tension that he or she brings out which tells you he or she doesn't really want to communicate with you or with the others around him or her? Well, this is because that person intentionally brings out that vibe so that he won't be approached. I have a couple of things to say about this, but let me firstly begin by discussing about how it works.

Different people have different level of vibes or aura they bring out, some people have a very weak vibe you barely notice the person even existed! Some others (very few) have a very strong vibe, veeeery strong to an extent that the person can actually influence others around them. Both can be positive and negative. For example, a very friendly person with a significantly strong aura can easily approach the non-friendly people no matter how much they try to avoid having communication with others. In another case, a very unfriendly person with a significantly strong aura can easily avoid communication when a friendly person tries to be friendly with him or her. In most cases, it is an inborn skill they have acquired from young, but it is however a skill that can be generated through training or life-changing experience for example. It is all about perception and how we try to portray ourselves to others.

Humans are a social animal, this is how Aristotle view the matter and it is very true in certain context. Everyone have their own style of friendliness, if we pay much attention to it, we can actually identify how and when their "friendliness" is actually put into play.

Now, when it comes to communicating or befriending with other people... I have a very strict rule before I actually allow myself to do so. I rely very much on my instinct when judging others, no matter how much people portray themselves to be, I tend to judge him solely by relying on my internal judgment of how the person is actually like as a whole. As I said before, sensing the people's aura or vibe if you will.

I only like to befriend who are deep inside a very kindhearted person, even if they themselves do not realize it. So far, my instinct is never wrong. Secondly, I am interested to befriend those who interest me or those who managed to make me curious about their lifestyle, but this is only if they pass my initial judgment of instinct. For example, there is this person I knew back in Nilai, a very shy person who tries to search for friends but is not actually very good in communicating. I am not the type of person who frequently greets new people and be friendly with them, as I said, I am very selective when it comes to befriending others. So I approached this guy and tried to make him feel comfortable so that he can portray himself more naturally, tried to bring him along to hang out with others to burst his bubble. Towards the end, he is a very interesting and friendly person who finally managed to portray himself the way he wants to. 

Everyone is friendly in a certain context, some rather have only a few friends, some others want to have as much as possible. When I meet a person I am interested with, I will personally greet the person and start the communication. It doesn't mean that other people I met are not kindhearted, they are somewhat kindhearted but not in the manner of "kindhearted" I personally define. Am I twisting my words here? Nah, I don't think so. 

I usually and intentionally emit an unfriendly or an unsocial vibe to others because I prefer to spend my free time gazing away in my own world of thinking every now and then especially during class hours. However, there are cases in which people with relatively strong aura of friendliness (or they simply lack the ability to sense other people's vibe) approach to have communication with me, in this cases I entertain them with mutual amount of friendliness as well. But, being friendly doesn't necessarily mean that you are willing to dig in deeper to an extent of making him or her your close friends, its just more towards making them into one of your known acquaintance. In other words, I am not interested in making an effort to greet or bursting other people's bubbles simply for the sake of making them an acquaintance of mine.

There are however interesting individuals in which I myself judge highly in terms of their personality and the way they handle themselves in their daily lives. I tend to pay much attention to these kind of individuals just to know how they communicate with others. In most cases, if I hang out with these kind of people, I rather not display my natural way of communicating as our styles of communication doesn't really go well with one another. At the end of the day, I can't help but view myself as a person who have to adapt to the other person's way of communication and response in somewhat the same acceptable manner as well. Thus, no matter how insistent the individual may be and no matter how awkward the situation might become, I prefer it to be in such a way. Well truthfully however, I believe we can be close friends if I permit myself (though it may require a number of times communicating with one another before we could actually reach a comfortable state of communicating), there are several other things that I myself had stored as a rule in my mind in which I kept as a boundary that I should not cross. Among them would be, I do not want to be close friends with the opposite gender. Hey, it may stupid and selfish, but I expect the same thing from the person I love as well, I can't imagine myself having to tolerate the idea that my potential wife is having a male as her best friend. It would be hypocrite of me to do the things I myself disapprove. So, basically, the reason I try to avoid certain people in my life is because I know I can't simply limit our friendship to a known "acquaintance", it would most probably generate into something stronger than that such as becoming close-friends or maybe even best-friends for that matter!

Well, everyone have their own perceptions and level of friendliness they have in life. It is best if we actually take some time to understand the individual rather than misinterpreting their personality before judging them as a whole.

Lately I tend to do grammatical errors more often when I type using this laptop of mine, I wonder why...


Friday, September 14, 2012

When Muslims Doubt Their Own Religion

Throughout my entire life living as a person who tries to make sense of his own surroundings, I've encountered so many questions about life and the true meaning behind it. I admit it took me quite some time to finally reach the state of understanding about life as I currently have now (although I am still lacking so much more necessary knowledge), but I am grateful that I managed to live long enough to become the person I am today. 

Since the day I entered high school, I began to question what is my purpose of living my life in this modern world. Lacking the Islamic knowledge, nothing actually makes sense. Why do I have to wake up everyday and follow the norms and the system around me? Why do I have to study all these knowledge in school which seems to be of no use to me? Do I have to live according to peoples' expectation towards me? Everything seems so stupid and pointless, I don't see the reason for me to persevere and strive for further knowledge. These so-called "teachers" tell me that knowledge is the key to success, but yet I see them working in this school with complaints and some amount of regret. Looking at the teachers feeling very proud with their limited amount of knowledge, I can't help but feel that I will simply follow their pathetic footsteps even if I were to try my best to study their ways. If knowledge is that important, then why is it that in my perception of view these teachers appear so pathetic?

Every day in school I question the authority and the system around me. I see teachers contradict themselves and act almighty. I still remember an Ustaz from the school saying that the students in our school with dark-skin actually reflects their dark and filthy hearts. He literally said this, "with each sin done by an individual, a black spot appears in our hearts, when there are too many sins done, the heart will turn completely black, thus when there are no more space left, the black spots will appear in their faces, which is why some students in our school have very dark faces"..... Yup, I have a very stupid Ustaz in my school. The early part of his statement was however correct though, the following part is obviously bull crap.

My account teacher on the other hand is also a complete idiot as well. He entered the class and acts almighty and told everyone that "teachers" are LOVED by Allah. He literally said that Allah loves him so much to an extent that all of his actions are guided, he makes NO MISTAKES whatsoever. He boast that whenever he makes prediction about questions which will appear in exams, he never guess it wrong, because Allah loves him. He then CHALLENGED the whole class to search for any mistakes done by him during his teaching in class, he also said that if someone spots a mistake, he will IMMEDIATELY RESIGN.... Yup, I was surrounded by complete idiots during my school days. The funny thing is soon after he said that, he made a mistake during the class and a student pointed it out. So much for not making any MISTAKES bro. He didn't resign though. 

Surrounded by these idiots who holds authority over the whole school, I lived my life questioning everyone around me including teachers, ustaz, and everyone else for that matter seeing how these idiots do mistakes even a child like me could detect. I continued to live a rebellious lifestyle for a very long time questioning everything around me as if everyone owes me the answer. 

The funny thing is, everything started to turn around once my school life almost reached its end. I started to understand how things work and comprehend how simple the system actually is. I began to understand how weak the human minds are and how simple it took to acquire their recognition. I finally noticed that my "world" was actually just a small fragment of the actual world I am living in. Of course I am surrounded by idiots yes, but these idiots does not represent everyone in the whole world. This stereotype and limited understanding I have is simply due to my lack of exposure towards the world out there. The minute I entered UIA, I was introduced to a whole new chapter about Islam. I began to find meaning in everything I previously thought to be meaningless. I began to find beauty in everyone's wrongdoings and weakness. Everything began to make sense... As if my whole journey before me was simply a life traveled in complete darkness, and someone suddenly came and switched on the light for me.... I find it hard to describe this feeling, I just hope you guys understand what I am trying to say...  Ahh, again I am typing waaaay out of topic.... my bad.

Back to the main topic! When Muslims doubt their own religion! In my case, I had always tried to perceive the world without Islamic knowledge, and I found the world to be meaningless and pointless in many different ways. However, provided with some exposure towards what Islam is all about, everything began to make sense (I admit, my past of ignorance is not something that I am proud of). Whereas in many Muslims cases in which we have today goes the other way around. Many Muslims perceive the world with the Islamic knowledge they were given since they were a child. However, as they grow up, spoon-fed with new Western knowledge by scholars, they began to question their own faith and belief. 

For example, being exposed with the Western culture in our life via technology and mass media, we tend to take things around us for granted. The exposure of aurah, meh! Normal! Homosexuals, meh! Normal! Physical contact between opposite genders, meh! Normal! Little by little, we tend to accept these things as normal phenomenon when in fact it is something that is actually very serious when it comes to our religious context. This goes to an extent that whenever we badmouth about homosexuals in public, some idiots actually defend this homosexuals and scold us instead. Thus, many Muslims tend to keep their opinion to themselves.... What ever happened to amal makruf nahi mungkar? This is the world we are living in nowadays, too afraid to even stand for our own religion because we are too afraid of being judged by other idiots around is. Something for us to ponder, does the judgment from these people more important than the judgment that Allah will have for us? 

The Western influence slowly infiltrates our lifestyle day by day, and this is the main reason why some Muslims are starting to question their own faith and belief. For example, the application of Hudud. If Muslims become homosexuals or convert into other religion, they are supposed to be killed (if I'm not mistaken). Thus, some Muslims view this as TOO EXTREME! They would say "Why must we kill them!? Islam is TOO CRUEL! I thought Islam is a religion which respects individuals' action! I thought Islam allows people to freely practice whatever religion they so desire! How can I accept this cruel fact about Islam? It is too cruel to be true!". Hence, some Muslims begin to doubt their own faith. This is sad. 

You see, when students absorb too many Western information which is simply based on human compassion and logic alone, they tend to go further away from what Islam teaches them. Too caught up with the idea of human rights, they tend to mix it in their perception of view when they judge Islam. This is wrong. There are LIMITATIONS when it comes to the power of human reasoning. We can't judge everything by simply relying on the power of reasoning alone. Which is why we need to refer to the Qur'an and Sunnah to perceive the world. Muslims nowadays are fed with too much Western knowledge, they fail to understand Islam because they try mix them both together. Thus, Muslims nowadays are easily clouded with doubt.

If human reasoning and logic is "enough" to perceive the world and make judgment, the existence of Qur'an and Sunnah isn't necessary in the first place wouldn't it? You see, the fact is, human reasoning are full of flaws and weakness. It is not enough. Which is why when you try to combine them together in Islam, there are bound to be contradictions. 

To make things easy, I will tell you how far human reasoning can bring us. By relying on worldly knowledge and human compassion without Qur'an and Sunnah, the best thing humans can come up with is only the idea of "human rights". Which is obviously full of flaws.... "Why" you ask me? Well, the answer is simple. Yes, some human rights may be good because obviously it is done via human logic so it simply seems acceptable through logical thinking. However, how far can it bring us? Towards the end, human rights gave us the problem of homosexuals running wild all over the world and miscarriage running rampant. Most importantly, the idea of "absolute justice" does not exist. That is the limitation and how far "human reasoning" can bring you.

In most cases, the Qur'an and Sunnah is necessary in order to provide us with balance and absolute justice. People nowadays tend to perceive this world "more" than simply a temporary world thus they could not accept things which appear to be cruel such as the application of the law of hudud. I have to break it to you, but this world is indeed only temporary. In other words if we were to view it in such a way, to cut the hands of a thief is actually an acceptable price to pay to avoid the punishment in the hell fire. Just because we fail to see how scary the hell fire actually is, we tend to fear hudud more than we fear hell itself, and this is wrong. 

In other cases, many Muslims began to question their own faith because they learn much more about Islam and the information they gain tend to contradict their own Islamic teachings. For example, we have been told that Islam is an easy religion and that Allah is the most-forgiving and the most-merciful. If so, then why is the application of hudud so cruel to begin with and why is Islam so complicated? If Islam is an easy religion, then why are there so many mazhab in this world? Which one is the correct one? If Islam is an easy religion, then why is the hukum for Cigarette is so confusing? Some Ulama' says its makruh, some says its haram, which one is the correct one? Why does different mazhab say differently about aurah, methods of ibadah, hukum, etc? If we do jihad, we are guaranteed with heaven. If so, does suicide bombing counts as jihad? But in Islam it is preached that committing suicide is haram. Why does the prophet make mistakes? I thought he is the best role model for all man-kind? Why does the prophet's wife makes mistake as well? What is it that Allah is trying to prove to us by letting the prominent individuals make mistakes that Muslims should avoid? Everything is so confusing, I thought Islam is a straight religion, now everything seems so complicated... Does Allah exist in the first place? How can one exist in the past, present and the future and time makes no difference to Him? He has no beginning and no end? That makes no sense. Why does He want us to pray unto him? Why does Allah give us this test we have on earth? Why does He not give us "direct" revelation as to what he gave our Prophet (pbuh)? Why is it that someone is given birth to a non-Muslim family and is raised as a Kafir? How can he pray unto Allah if he doesn't know that Islam is the true religion? Why are there people who died in cruelty such as natural catastrophe and hunger? When people cry unto Him, why does He not answer their prayers? Why does He let them die and rot in vain? There are many children and babies who are killed and abused, they were not even given a chance to become a proper Muslim. Why are their lives taken away in such a manner? Is this the so-called Absolute Justice? And the list goes on....

You see, these are some of the question that Muslims have nowadays which has led them astray. This is not limited to those without knowledge, it goes as far as to those who memorized the Qur'an as well. In fact, there are quite a number of cases in which individuals who memorized the Qur'an actually converted into another religion. Doesn't this mean that the Qur'an is not enough to maintain our faith? 

The answer is simple actually, Islam is a simple religion. Why complicate things? :)

People tend to ask too many questions in detail, clouded by contradictions, they fail to see the entire picture as a whole. You see, its all about our perception and intention. I don't believe that an individual holds the absolute knowledge in Islam and knows all the do's and don'ts in Islam in absolute detail. If such and individual exist, then there won't be so many different "mazhabs" in this world in the first place. Why are there so many different mazhabs" Because all the Ulama' have different perception in Islam. Because of these differences, does it mean that some of the Ulama' are wrong and only a few or one of them is correct? I don't think so, because in Islam, the most important thing is our amal and intention. Why do we pray unto Allah? Because we are grateful towards him and thus we want to show our appreciation by abiding to his command. Why do we hold to hukm? Because we want to know what we should do and to avoid what we should not do. In the end, it all comes down to the same thing. All of us want to do our best to do Allah's command and avoid the action in which he does not allow. It is as simple as that.

In Islam, we know that if a Muslim does something wrong but he doesn't know it is wrong to begin with, Allah won't give him sin because he has no intention of doing something sinful. The same thing with doing something good, if someone accidentally does something good without the intention of doing it, he won't get the "deeds/hasanah" as much as he would get if he were to do it with intention of doing it for Allah. 

Why do we want to know everything as specifically as possible? Is it required? No. Is it good? In most cases, yes, but not necessarily. As long as we do the amal with the right intention and confidence, insyaallah, Allah will rewards us with Jannah. Why complicate things?

Even Ulama' who are very familiar with Qur'an and Hadiths have different opinion on how to do things in Islam, but their aim is the same, which is to please God as best as they can. Who are we to judge which is right and which is wrong? That is Allah's job, not us. Our job is to do what He told us to do as best as we can, that's it, don't complicate things. 

In Surah Al-baqarah, the Jews were told to slay a cow. Guess what? They did exactly what Muslims nowadays do, they ask the question in MORE detail! The jews ask more about the cow, should it be a male? What is the colour of the cow? Must it be healthy? How old should it be? In the end, the task became MORE DIFFICULT. Islam is an easy religion, it only becomes more difficult when you make it so.

Some cases in life goes beyond than our mental capabilities, thus when we deal with such cases, we should no longer waste our time on such matter, because we won't get the answer. To get an answer to such questions is as difficult as imagining how Allah exist without any beginnings, it doesn't makes sense, thus we should stop thinking about things that doesn't matter. It is better to leave such things unanswered and praise Allah for there are things that are bigger than our mental capabilities could comprehend.

It is sad to see some Muslims who only look upon a hadith which appears contradictory with their understanding towards Islam, and are already questioning their own beliefs. Islam is a very deep religion, which is why there are so many Extremists out there. We should know best and treat Islam as simple as possible, for there are things which are beyond our understandings. With amal and intention, we should only pray for the best that Allah accepts our actions as it is. Because in the end, only Allah can judge us for our actions, not the Ustaz, not the Ulama', not anyone. Praise be to Allah, for He is the Most Merciful and Most Knowing.

Never go for extreme, we must strive for balance. That way, Islam is an easy religion. Insyaallah, I pray that my writings are not contradictory with the Islamic teachings. :D


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

My Best Written Stroy (Schizophrenia)

My name is Elena, this is a story about my life.

I currently live in a modern city, surrounded by people who are too caught up with income, fame, and power to an extent that they forget what it means to live.

It wasn't always like this back in the days. I used to live in a distant underdeveloped town with my family and lived happily in glorious ways.

Life was slow but full of memories, every day spent was meaningful as if though it was a daily habit.

Comes a stage when I started to change, so called "came to my senses" and started to revolt to all the norms and all the ways.

To hell with this life spent in this dump I started to call "cage", I might as well leave and venture towards the modern age.

Regardless of my behavior I always had a friend, her name is Catherine and also my best friend.

She did not always agree to my perception of views, but yet she followed me to live in the modern city.

Life in the city was tough, tougher than I thought it was.

There are always ups and downs in life in this confusing city, but luckily Catherine was always there to guide me, indeed in my perception her presence has become an absolute necessity.

However I am not that dumb to not realize that it isn't good to bring too much trouble to others, so I decided to book a few sessions with a psychiatrist to help ease the burden on my shoulders.

I began to frequently cry and scream to myself every now and then. Too frustrated with life, love, and my committed sins.

Losing control, both in the workplace and my own home. I desperately tried ways to handle this problem.

Miraculously, I found a way... It might sound unhealthy but it works nonetheless...

Everytime I stood in the mirror as I stare directly at my own reflection, I curse each and everything and those who I hate in life...

It started with normal curses, but progresses even further as I started to say things such as I will kill and murder...

Amazingly my life was again stable as I was able to live my life normally outside in my workplace, provided with the fact that I did my "mirror" sessions every now and then.

Everything in life began to become better, after several months I no longer need to have a conversation with my mirror.

My psychiatrist was proud with achievement and says I no longer need her service, even Catherine was now happy with all my changes.

Life was great... Until...


I didn't know how it started, when it started, why it started... But it was very.... very disturbing to say the least... This is what happened...

One day, me and Catherine decided to celebrate our life and hit the bar. We got a bit drunk but I was sure we could still drive a car.

Catherine started to say things such as how she has missed our family and the town itself, I tried to convince her not to because we promised to return when we have achieved something great or else our venture to the modern city would be pointless to begin with.

She calmed down, at least I thought she did...

When we were walking outside the bar walking through the alley heading towards the car, something very disturbing happened...

She began to grab my hand and hit herself with it... Again and again repeatedly... I tried to shook her off but I couldn't...

What was more disturbing is while doing that, she screamed to me "Why!? Why!? Stop it!! You're hurting me!!"...

I tried to say something but I was too shocked to utter a word as I couldn't comprehend the situation. It finally stopped when she no longer had the strength to hold my hand...

She was... Bleeding... Passed out in the middle of the road...

It did not make any sense to me... Why would she do that to herself?

But then I finally understood... She needed help... I was SUCH A FOOL!! I walked down the path of depression before and it almost lead me to insanity. What made me think that her life in the modern city was so great to begin with?

Obviously she also has problems in life but she kept it from me so that I won't feel worried about her. TO think that all this time she was holding it in and had to hear to my depressing stories all this while, I cant even begin to imagine what she had to go through!

She needs help... I don't want to let this continue to get worse...

Shortly after that a number of people came to the scene and asked what happened. Panicked, I told them a lie that she was mugged by someone.

Someone was kind enough to offer us a ride to the nearby hospital, I told the same story to the doctors and nurse. Luckily she wasn't seriously injured...

As she was lying unconscious on her bed in the hospital, I stayed by her side thinking of what happened... I promised to myself that I won't leave her alone and won't let the same thing happen again.

When she woke up, she was startled when she saw me. It was a very sad experience for me, seeing my own friend being afraid of me... I calmed her down and told her that everything is fine, repeatedly...

She hugged me and cried for quite some time soon after...

Catherine asked me what happened. I told her that she was mugged, how am I supposed to tell her that she was hitting herself? I couldn't bring myself to tell her that she is insane...

With a doubtful expression on her face She looked directly at me and said "...seriously?". I simply nodded as a reply...

Catherine looked away and said "I see... I was mugged.."

She turned to me and hugged me as she said "I love you, you know that? I really do". I told her I love her as well, I couldn't hold my tears and cried as I hug her...

A month after the incident, everything went fine. I frequently visit Catherine on a daily basis to see how she was doing and she was great!

I still didn't have the heart to ask her what she is depressed about and I couldn't even imagine what it could be!

I started to survey her daily activities for a month... Her life is WONDERFUL! Every where she goes, people treat her with smiles and she is even loved by everyone in her workplace.

As far as love life is concerned, she is not the type of person who is weak enough to be depressed to an extent of becoming unstable about it. Plus, she is not in a relationship.

I was quite jealous myself seeing how the guys tried to flirt with her during the month and was turned down one after another. I can't imagine what it is that she was depressed about a month earlier, I really couldn't...

And so, I thought there was nothing to be worried about... Until one day...

I saw bruises on her body... I tried to ask her how she got it, but she simply smiles at me and said "That is nothing to be worried about. You need to be happy!".

From then on Catherine started to do things to make me happy and frequently asked me if there is anything that I am depressed about. As far as anything is concerned my life is doing great really, it is Catherine that I am worried about!

However, this continues, I can see a couple of new bruises on her body every now and then but she wouldn't tell me anything about it.

One night, I couldn't sleep so I decided to pay a random visit to Catherine.

When I knocked on her door, she opened it and was terrified to see me and instantly shut the door close...

I quickly asked her what was going on but she didn't utter a word... After repeatedly asking to get in I began to feel that there is something terribly wrong with her...

I fear that it might be a self-inflicting abuse that she is doing to herself and that she is still unstable. Why else would she act in such a way?

Then I shouted "If you don't open the door, I will destroy it open!".

She quickly shouted back "Don't hit me!"...........

It was... Very disturbing to hear that from her again since the incident...

I was then convinced that she needs help... I calmed her down and conviced her to open the door... She finally gave in and unlocked the door open.

When I entered, she was still terrified. But I quickly gave her a hug and told her that everything was going to be alright. She cried.

Before I left the house, I stole a spare key from her just in case the same thing happened again. After that, I went home to sleep and ponder to myself whether or not should I advice a professional help for her.

Tomorrow morning, I decide to check her daily routine again, but it seems that everything is normal... I really don't understand what was going on with her... She might have a dual personality or something...

I usually sleep early, however after the incident the day before, I find it hard to sleep. So I decided to pay a visit to Catherine again just to make sure she was okay.

AGAIN! She was terrified to see me but this time she didn't unlock the door and told me to go home in a terrified voice.

After that I decided to sneak into her house the next night with the spare key I stole her from her to see for myself if she was doing anything weird especially inflicting pain to her self.

That night, I sneaked into her house successfully without being noticed. Was quite impressed with myself, but felt like a burglar at the same time, wasn't proud of it.

Catherine was taking a shower so I decided to sneak into her room and grab her diary to see what was going on with her life. Seeing how predicatable she was, it was rather easy to find it.

So I went downstairs to read the diary...

The content was fun to read at first but I decided to skip to the part after the first incident occurred at the bar... It was... Nonsense...

I can't understand what is going in her mind!! I read a page after another discovering upon sentences which doesn't make sense at all!

"Today Elena hit me... I don't know what's going on, she told me that I was mugged so I simply pretended I didn't remember anything. I love her, I hope its just because she was drunk."

"Elena is starting to stalk me everyday now... I don't know whats wrong with her... I think she might need help but I can't tell her that..."

"I'm afraid.... I'm afraid of my own best friend!! She is starting to call me in the middle of the night saying harsh words and how she wanted to beat me every time she saw me! She needs help... She really does!"

"It seems that during the day Elena seems normal... I asked her if she called me last night but she didn't remember a thing..."

"Its becoming a daily thing for Elena to curse at me during the night via the phone... I didn't answer the phone, but hearing to the voice messages terrifies me... I am scared... This is not Elena..."

"Elena came to my house tonight! I was terrified like hell! But it seems that it was the normal Elena, I felt bad locking the door on her but I am too afraid with her right now... I can't handle this.."

"Elena came again to my house tonight, I am convinced not to open the door this time. Who knows what might happen. I am going to find her a specialist before this gets out of hand".

.....Has Catherine become too unstable? Is she hallucinating? I simply sat on on the couch trying to understand what was going on. But Catherine came down before I could actually leave the house.

She was HIGHLY TERRIFIED and screamed like a crazy woman as she panically ran to her kitchen. I was terrified seeing how my friend was acting in such a way...

I quickly walked into the kitchen, saw a knife on a nearby table and decided to hide it in a drawer just in case if she grabs it and do something to herself seeing how unstable she currently is...

Catherine was crying in the corner screaming at me "HOW THE HELL DID YOU ENTER MY HOUSE!? YOU NEED HELP ELENA!! YOU NEED HELP!!"

Seeing how disturbed she was, I couldn't explain to her how I stole the key just to check up on her to prevent her from hitting herself.

So I decided to calm her down as I always did by giving her a hug...

But as I walked towards her, she became VERY VERY TERRIFIED... She was frantically trying to reach for something or find an exit but she was practically trapped in the corner...

So I slowly walked towards her...

She began to cry uncontrollably and sat on the floor while covering herself... As if she actually believes that I wanted to hit her...

As she was down on the floor, I noticed a mirror which was hanging around at the wall behind her...

I looked at myself... I was... Smiling... I couldn't recognize myself... I was literally smiling eventhough I wasn't actually smiling...

I tried to reach for my face with my hand to see if I was actually smiling... It was then that I noticed...

The knife that I previously hidden in the drawer previously... I was still holding it in my hand...

When the hell did that happen!? How the hell did that happen!? I panicked and let go of the knife...

Catherine noticed it and quickly pushed me away as she ran outside of the house...

It took me quite a while to understand the situation... Not knowing what to do, I went to Catherine's phone in the living room to call her mobile phone to tell her that everything is alright...

I saw the voice messages was blinking... Clicked on it without thinking... There was 14 messages... And it was all from ME...

I was cursing to Catherine... Threatened to kill her... Complaining how perfect her life is.... Told her how jealous I am of her... And told her how I enjoyed beating her...

It was...................
It was me................

I am the one having the problem... I am the unstable person... I am the one who needs help....

To think that Catherine stood by my side all this time even being as terrified as she already is...

She still tried to help me... She still tried to make me happy to overcome my depression... She still tells me that she loves me....

I cried frantically by the phone throwing a tantrum in which I could not control....


I heard someone knocking on the door....

I went to open the door... And noticed a man standing in front of it... It was a weird feeling.. His presence feels familiar, but yet I don't really know him and I am sure I haven't met him before...

He looked at me...

Touched my shoulder...

And said "I'm sorry... I really am.."

I asked why... Why was he apologizing for... And then he told me the reason... A very ridiculous reason... He told me this...

"Sorry, my name is Ammar Haidhar. In case you didn't notice, I am the author for this story. I couldn't have access to the internet because my broadband's modem is messed up and I have to replace a new one eventhough I only bought it for less than 2 weeks.So I decided to write a random story, and the story turns out to be about you and your best friend. Again, in case you didn't notice, I stole your names from the Vampire Diaries series, thus, Catherine and Elena! Hahah!Again, sorry. I don't like sad endings, so I will make this easy for you. You can choose whichever ending for yourself, just choose! I can write it down for you. Seriously! By the way I told Catherine to grab me a snickers on the way back to discuss about this, am hungry! So, what would yo-"

*Slap*! Thus Ammar was slapped by Elena before he could even finish saying what he wanted to say. It turns out that it is the actual ending of this story which was chosen Elena.

Aaaaah, Happy endings! I love happy endings. :D

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Something about polygamy

As usual, before I dwell myself into the topic which is stated in the title above, I would divert myself by talking about random stuff before proceeding with the main topic. So now lets begin with a number of things that I would like to say, express, or share.

#Random Post Number 1
Now, why in the world do people write something in their blogs? Obviously everyone have their own reasons. Some simply wants to share their life experience, people say sharing is caring, I say sharing is attention-whoring. I'm not saying its not good, in fact, attention-whoring is perhaps one of my greatest hobby if I may say so myself. Psychologically speaking, this can be explained through the human's hierarchy of needs. What is it? Well, basically it is a pyramid which states the needs of humans which is separated into 5 different categories ascending from the bottom to the top in relevance to their level of need. The image below will help you understand a bit more about it.

As you can see from the image above, the middle section of the pyramid emphasizes on the social needs of human beings. Majority of bloggers simply use blog as a medium to attain social acceptance and the idea of self-belongingness in cyberspace.

Now, the second reason why most bloggers blog is because they want to use it as a method of improving themselves in terms of their writing, creativity, or maturity. Most of the time, it usually appears like a very interesting idea to do this for newbies. But little do they know that most of the time, when these people get older, they will be disgusted, irritated, annoyed, and even ashamed of themselves in their past writing. Thus most of them usually decides to delete or renew their blog.

Have you guys noticed that the number of bloggers had amazingly decreased throughout the years? This is due to the existence of facebook itself. Most people simply write blogs so that others would read and comment about their posts. With the help of facebook, that is very easily attainable without the need of much effort. PLUS! Only a little amount of people manage to become successful bloggers, whereas others simply have blogs which people never visit and comment (one of the sad examples would be my blog, *sniff sniff*). So, people usually divert their attention towards the use of facebook to write short status updates in replacement of their usual blogposts.

#Random Post Number 2
I wonder how much of you guys actually know about SOPA?

#Random Post Number 3
Getting into an argument is perhaps one of the most useful ways of improving your debating skills. But there are some individuals and some topics of arguments that you should refrain yourself from participating into, for example, having a religious argument with an atheist. Why? Because no one can win. Plus, each party will ignore the opposition's argument since they do not accept their points. It is almost as if you are seeing a deaf person arguing with a blind person. The deaf person is arguing that with the ability if sight, you can best see the true beauty of the world by looking at the color of rainbows an etc. Whereas the blind person argues that with the ability of hearing, you can best see the true beauty of the world by hearing the beautiful sounds of nature and musics. Each won't be able to convince their points to one another thus the arguments will be never-ending. Now the true question here is, how does a deaf person argue with a blind person?

I am not from a religious school and I was always oblivious of whatever which is happening around me during my days in school. The first time I actually paid attention to and understood the meaning of polygamy was during my school days when I was 16 years old (form 4). At that time, my teacher wanted the class to argue with one another in front of the class about polygamy, whether or not it should be applicable for men. Two male students (supporting polygamy) and two female students (disagree with polygamy) went in front of the class to argue with one another. At first I was like, what in the world is polygamy? After they started to argue, only then that I knew it actually refers to a term that describes a man having more than one wife.

The dudes argued that polygamy should be supported because the amount of women is more then men, some will be single and forever alone if polygamy is not applied (not to mention the amount of those men who died before marriage and homosexuals at large). They also argued that if a women became a widow, it is most likely that no single man wants to marry that woman, thus the more reason why polygamy should be applicable because an experienced married men know how to manage a family and are most likely to accept the widow as their wife.

The girls on the other hand argued that MEN are not RESPONSIBLE enough to handle polygamy. They were speaking from their own self-experience of having a father who neglects their family because he was more attentive towards the other wife. So they argued that men won't be able to properly practice fairness and this would invite trouble and unnecessary problems to the family.

Towards the end, of course the teacher says that Polygamy should be supported because it is the Islamic rule that Allah has provided.

I believe that the arguments being done was not pleasing since the girls end up feeling as if they are still correct since their argument was not countered by the male students. I was quite disappointed by the male students because they were supposed to represent us, in fact they self-willingly went to the front of the class to do so. I was bewildered by the stupidity of the dudes who were obviously whoring for attention instead of standing for polygamy. I was also astonished by the stupidity of the girls for daringly trying to prove that polygamy (the law that Allah himself had established) should be abolished.

When we argue with these kind of people who's against polygamy, it is obvious that by simply stating about statistical facts and saying that this is the law of Allah will not be enough to properly convince them. So lets just be nice and try to see things in their perspectives and be in their shoes for a second. Now, the first thing you should do is agree with them a bit by saying that what they are trying to say is understandable. It is true that guys will most likely fail in terms of properly taking care of their wives and families in complete fairness. Thus polygamy usually leads to broken families in Malaysia.

However, we should not refer to those failures to ultimately represent what polygamy is all about. Now, what is the role of a husband and a father? We know that once a man marries a woman, he carries all the sin of his wife and also carries the sin of his daughters if he so fails to guide them. Even if he were to spread the teachings of Islam and converts people into Muslim, when the time has come and he wants to enter heaven, his wife and daughter will cling to him and say "why did you not guide us properly and leave us damned to hell? Why did you spread the teachings of Islam to others but ignore us as we do sins everyday? We demand that you enter the depths of hell with us because you did not perform your duty as a husband and a father" (well, something like that).

One should know how HIGH the responsibility of a HUSBAND actually is. One should know how PREPARED a MAN must be before he performs his MARRIAGE. One should know how DIFFICULT it actually is to perform the role of a husband. If one knows about all these, then one knows that MARRIAGE is for a MAN who is fully PREPARED to held the full RESPONSIBILITY of being a husband, and things like dishonesty and cheating should be nothing to worry about.

In the age we are living in, marriage is looked upon as if a normal thing. They fail to see the actual beauty behind marriage itself and what it symbolizes. It symbolizes the wife entirely devoting her life to help her husband and lend him her trust, hoping that he would be the one who will properly guide her to heaven. It symbolizes the husband willing to carry the entire burden of being responsible for all of his wife's sin, and guide her until the day he dies. Nowadays, people only see money and commitment as the key factor in marriage. They pay less attention to the actual responsibility one should carry once they are married and the consequences if one were to fail.

Seeing how HEAVY a MARRIAGE actually is and how HIGH the REQUIREMENT that one should reach to actually get married... Then one should know that POLYGAMY is not for any average Joe. Polygamy is indeed a special case that should only be practiced by few who are actually capable of doing so. Women usually disagree with polygamy because they believe that men are not capable of practicing equal-fairness, that is only true because they simply refer to the kind of man that they usually meet in real life. In reality, not every man can carry the responsibility of a husband in polygamy. We should know that Allah is all-knowing and He would not establish a law with flaws. In fact, Allah is all-knowing he establishes Polygamy because He knows the ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

There is a limit to reasoning with our human intellect when it comes to religion, that is where faith and the pillars of Iman plays into context. You try to reason too much in terms of logic, then you will end up like those in the Western countries who supports Human rights and ends up being filled with homosexuals and free sex. That is how far human reasoning can bring you without the help of religion.

Thus, it is obvious that if a man actually performs his requirements and does all his role as a husband in Polygamy, then nothing will go wrong. In fact, polygamy is actually a beautiful thing but people as such as us who are too focused on the concept of ONE TRUE LOVE (too caught up with Western movies and modern relationships), will not be able to see and appreciate the true beauty of polygamy. That is indeed very sad...

However, that is understandable. Because even by knowing all this, I find it hard to appreciate the beauty of polygamy as well. I know the beauty of it, but it is hard to internally appreciate it with all honesty because I am not familiar with it. When it comes to religion Islam, we need knowledge, faith, and effort to fully accept, see, practice, appreciate and love Islam as a WHOLE. Some people fail to appreciate the true beauty of hari raya korban, they fail to appreciate to beauty of hudud, and many other stuff due to the fact that they are too caught up with human reasoning alone. Most Muslims still haven't reached this state because they are too caught up with "life", they fail to see that life on earth is simply a temporarily station to collect deeds before we go to our next eternal location which might be heaven or hell.

In Islam, just KNOWING is NOT enough. It requires MORE than that, more than my words can say. That is one of the true beauty of Islam, which many others fail to see and haven't reached. I myself haven't reached this level and am still in the struggle of achieving such position. Because I am simply not strong and willing enough to offer my love and affection to other women out there other than Arinah Rozhan who I believe will be my future wife that I will guide in the future. But for those out there who wants to practice polygamy, I will give you my full support in doing so :D.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Problems.. Inspiration.. Something New I learn About Myself.

Each and everyone of us have their own problems and secrets that they have to cope with.

Some handle their problems better than others, some others the other way around.

There are others out there who already encountered major problems in life.

Whereas there is also others out there still living care-freely without any worries whatsoever. Little do they know that there is a very high possibility that there might be some "problems" instilled for them in the future. Fate works in a very mysterious way, nothing is certain.

When we say the word "problem", I am pretty sure each and everyone of us have a problem. The FIRST question that should come to mind is not HOW the problem should be SOLVED. But more importantly, HOW does one ENDURES and HANDLE their problem to begin with. We should know by now that a "problem" is not actually a "problem" if the solution for the "problem" can be thought of so easily. Obviously, a "problem" should be clearly defined as a "problem" when the solution for the problem is never certain. As you can see, "problem" can only be solved with the help of "time".

Typically, when one encounters a problem... A clear solution does not exist. Instead, the only option people have most of the time is to "wait and see how it goes".

Why are problems so damn annoying? Psychologically speaking, one would say that it has got to do with our core of thinking itself, our mind. Our brain consists of complex systems which are intertwined with one another. These sets of complex systems beautifully merges with one another to make everything work under a single system. One thing about Psychology is that different perspectives always arises and what makes them interesting is none of them are actually absolute. No one can clearly set the line and say which one is completely correct and wrong. So what we do is we basically refer to all these different perspectives to make sense of the human system........ I have wondered too far off here, lets take a few step backwards now. Why are problems so damn annoying? Some psychologist believes that our brain is always working 24 hours a day. It continually works even when we are asleep. In other words, our brain is like a super computer.

Now, imagine what happens when our brain encounters a problem? Obviously our brain will literally work its ass off to figure out the solution. Usually when it comes to mathematical problems for example, it puts a very high amount of pressure towards our brain when we are figuring out the answers to the problem. However, when the solution is gained, the pressure slowly fades away. Why? Because the brain is finally relieved from figuring out the solution. The longer the brain has to figure out a solution, the more the pressure adds up.... But... What happens if the problem couldn't be solved through thinking alone? Well, some say that we could simply think about something else instead and ignore it. However, some psychologist says that no matter how deliberately we try to ignore the subject matter, the brain will always unconsciously figure out the solution towards the problem even though the solution does not exist. Therefore, more and more pressure is built up as the time passes by. In other words, we will still feel pressured no matter how much we try to hide it.

Now, different people cope with their problems differently. This should be our main focus. Why?Because this in a way, will define who we are. Why is this so important? Well, if I have to point it out myself, there are many well-known people out there who is admired just because of how they handled their dark past. These people are admired because of how they overcome the problems many others fail to overcome themselves. These people inspires those out there... They became others source of inspiration...They are the very existence that proves problems can be solved no matter how ridiculous it may seem... People are relieved to know when their problems are insignificant when compared to some of those out there in the world.

Lets take people around you for example. I am pretty sure you have seen loads of different type of people so far. Some are the quiet type, some are easy going, some are simply irritating. Now when it comes to problem, we can see how these people cope up with theirs. Some keep their problems to their selves and managed to handle their problems professionally. Some others fail to keep their cool and instead become an over-dramatic queen who tells the whole world about his/her "problems" as if she/he is the only unlucky being on the face of this earth. Believe me when I say there are others out there who has problems that are unimaginably cruel. But still, some of the people out there who has to confront with this overwhelming "problems" somehow managed to keep their "cool". How is this possible?

Not many people are capable of keeping their cool when they are facing problems of their own. Most of the time they can't handle it and what they do is they try to find ways to help them feel fine such as expressing to their loved ones about how they feel deep inside. But not everyone does so in a positive way. There are times in our life when we see people trying to escape the harshness of reality by exercising, playing, hanging out, smoking, fighting, causing more problems and such.

Do you guys now see why I mentioned previously that our ways of confronting our problems will define who we are? People will always remain being who they are as long as no other events occur that will change it otherwise. There are sayings that simply goes like "You will know who that person truly is when he/she is facing problems". How come? Well, I believe that when people are facing problems, these problems will have a high chance of shaping the person's future way of thinking and behavior.

Let's just give a typical example to understand this better. Most of the time we can see girls/boys at our young age complaining about the ones they are in love with. How do they handle the outcome when they found out their "loved" ones cheat on them or dump them for reasons they can't accept? On facebook for example, we see girls posting status updates such as "All guys are the same! They never understand us! They are liars! They are a lying piece of sh-". Sadly, this also goes the same to the dudes.... We can see some dudes who says "Every girls are the same. I might as well stay single. Bros before Hoes~!"......... Which is really really really quite SAD if you ask me.

Because of the personal problem they faced, most of them will generate a stereotype form of thinking. I'd say this is natural as the brain is simply creating a defensive mechanism that will prevent the host from repeating the same mistake. However, it is good to know that knowledge overcomes our stereotypes.

So where were we? Oh yeah. Problems -> Stereotypes -> Alters belief and action -> Slightly/moderately/highly changes who we are. Of course, this is only just an example. There are many other different ways "problems" can change our personality.

To keep things short and meaningful, I would just like to say be careful and be smart on how you handle your problems. Bear in mind that some problems could not be solved with your own power alone and that some problems can only be solved due time. We should not let problems degrade our qualities as a respectful human being we ought to be.

The reason I am writing this post is basically to portray a bit of my problems without actually telling what the problem actually is. I am not the type of person who likes to share my problems with other people, and most of the time even if I accidentally or intentionally shared the story of my problems to others, I usually end up regretting it. Some times, problems should be kept to ourselves, and how to handle such problems is entirely up to you (sometimes.. but most of the time in my case I guess).

How do you perceive your own character? There are times when I noticed my character is a bit messed up seeing how my likes and dislikes can clash with one another depending on the situation. I have loads of negative views and perceptions that I have in mind but what I usually let out for people to see are only the nice ones. Usually I curse a lot, I curse so much that people around me sometimes feel uncomfortable due to the negative energy I bring out (I made this assumption when I notice how people's facial expression started to slowly change, and most of the time when this happens I quickly decided to shut my mouth seeing how negative it is being). Well, I guess that is most probably my fault for hanging out with the wrong peers in school. Luckily I managed to restrain myself and then slowly change myself from being that kind of person.

I find it truly hard to define myself as I believe in a few principles that I have set up in my mind but I find it difficult to physically apply such principles.

I noticed that previously I usually had this problem on how to clearly define myself properly most of the time I find my personality contradicting.

However, that is no longer the case. Spending most of my time away from UIA, I managed to do what I love most which is by having my own free space of spending my own sweet time internally speaking intrapersonally with my own self. By having time to do so, I have noticed some things about me that never actually changed for a very long time...

I am easily inspired... But it is hard for me to stay inspired for a very long time due to the fact that I usually find out something that I am disappointed with sooner or later towards that specific thing/person that I am inspired with...

I have my own beliefs and understandings on general matters but I don't usually express it to people unless necessary.

I don't like communicating with new people as I do not like my character to be judged. People usually judge a person and adapt to that person by their understanding of others character from their first confrontation with one another. In other words, this is also known as our first impression. Most of the time, people firstly try to have some conversations with the new person. Once they have gathered the necessary information of that person, later they will reorganize that information and analyze it for future reference. What people usually do first is to decide whether or not should they befriend with such person on the first place. If so, they will decide to ignore future confrontation or add more confrontation with that specific person according to the decision made.

People often think that by frequently meeting with the person over and over again, they might slowly and surely start to learn more about the person itself and then from there they can adapt themselves better to communicate with that person. But people should bear in mind that no matter how many times you meet that person over and over again, if that person itself decides to put up a fake front and conceal their true self each and every time they confront with one another, they can never truly learn more about the person they are talking to.

One more significant thing that I learned about myself is that I am not that mysterious nor am I that difficult to be understood. Its just that I refuse to let people into my life for reasons I have yet to discover. I don't like being misjudged but then again I purposely put up a fake front each and every time a confrontation is made. I guess this is just a bad habit of mine that I haven't yet changed and I myself am confused whether or not this habit of mine should be changed in the first place.

I admit that I am an antisocial type of person, but I can easily have a conversation with people if I want to. But the problem is, I don't want to. I only have conversations with people and build friendship in situations that seems necessary.

Other than that, the people I have approached so far are only people that I am personally interested with and most of them are kind and interesting people that I am interested to make friends with. I noticed this I am very greedy in terms of choosing who I befriend with. But so far, I cant complain since I like each and everyone who is in my circle of friends.

Today I have learned more about myself. I am not so "self-contradicting" and "difficult" as I previously and frequently say I am. I am only "self-contradicting" because I purposely wear a mask when I confront people whom I am not comfortable with. But I have noticed that this mask can easily be shaken if I am confronted with people who appear to be kind in my point of view. I have this thing about me and I guess I simply like to have conversations with those who are kind. Also, I am only "difficult" because I choose to be that way. When I move away the haze and clouds that disturbs my view, who I am and what I am is actually very clear in front of me. No more confusion, no more contradiction, no more difficulties. I am actually quite a simple person hohoho~


I am the type of person who is easily inspired by people around me and most of the time these people doesn't even notice how inspiring they actually are. Be it in physical aspects or in other areas that involves creativity and the power of language and writing, I am easily inspired by all.

Most of the time, these people I am inspired with have their very own sets of belief and criteria that they have set in mind. Rather than what they have accomplished and what they are capable of accomplishing, the way of thinking they have in their mind is what makes them incredibly amazing to begin with.

Parkour/Tricking/Freerunning for example... Some simply look at them like idiots who never considered the risk and consequences you get when you fall. But this perception is far from true. These people have beliefs set in their mind that will set you people on awe. By entering their way of thinking and perception they have in life, you will notice how ridiculously amazing their perceptions actually are. This perception of theirs are most of the time ILLOGICAL to have in mind with out rational thinking alone.... but TRUE. It is true that no matter how many times we train ourselves to jump from a 2nd storey building, it does not make the jump any shorter. It is true that training gives us strength. But if we are really simply talking about strength alone, wouldn't that mean each and every highly active basketball players can do what we do and do it better in the first place? Technique? So do you guys really believe that technique is ALL there is to it? Does that mean by learning the technique alone, these basketball players can easily jump from the 2nd storey building like tracheurs do?

Technique is the key to unlock the door.

Strength is required to twist the door knob.

But both of these are not the ones required to push the door open.

The thing that we need to have in order to push the door open, is self confidence.

What mostly changes overtime through practice is not our strength or technique, but mostly our self confidence. Why am I talking about this? Because I notice that some amazing athletes in the world of freerunning are soooo CRAZY to an extent that their self-confidence are absurdly illogical to be applied to normal people.. But this set of thinking is absolutely true when we actually spend some time to think about it.

Of course no matter how much we train ourselves, the jump that we are going to do from the 2nd storey building will not be any shorter. What changes are simply our self confidence. No matter how strong we really are and no matter how much technique we have mastered in our mind... By the time we are doing it, if we do not have any self confidence, shit happens. That is why most tracheurs encounter injury most of the time. May it be a difficult move or a simple move, most of the time the most serious injury inflicted to tracheurs are from SIMPLE MOVES. It is almost stupid if we actually spend our time to think about it. Just because we lack self confidence, we did not make that extra jump, we did not keep our proper form, and thus we fail and land miserably on the ground. This would all end very differently and beautifully if we simply had self confidence to begin with.

Also there are other types of people whom I am easily inspired with. Most of the time I am easily inspired by those who can easily express themselves. I am inspired by those who can express themselves by easily typing sooooooooooo loooooooooong but yet their way of writing managed to catch and keep the interest of the readers all the way to then end. I am inspired by those who can easily express themselves and make themselves look stupid in front of the camera but in an entertaining way rather than "irritating". They know the lines between being too excessive in showing expressions and being too dull in not showing enough expressions.

Most of the time, I am usually inspired by those who hold close to a certain principle that sounds soooo incredible to an extent that holding to that principle alone shows how amazing that person actually is.

Okay, I guess that is enough for now. Let me just share to you guys what I have done so far during this holiday.

-Joined Sejuta Impian and managed to get rm20k
-Joined Axn Big Challenge Kuala Lumpur and got into the top 10.
-Joined Sasuke Malaysia

Until next time. :)


Thursday, June 9, 2011

A Dream To Kill A Satan

I had a dream just now, around 1 hour ago to be more specific... As you know, dream is one of the most unique thing to describe about. Dream can come to you as an inspiration, as a traumatizing experience, as a flashback, as an entertainment, as a story, as a message, and most of the time it doesn't even make sense. I decided to blog about this dream of mine because it felt real... And it so happens that I don't know what else to do to kill time until 10 a.m as I wait for Siddiq to fetch me up for wall climbing (currently 8.30 am).

In this dream of mine, I was on a mission to prevent the reincarnation of a satan by preventing a guy from completing the ritual (stabbing himself). The dream was quite long, so I'll just skip to the ending and spare you the details for example me being trapped in a hall with a possessed demonic woman, I somehow became managed to become invisible to hide from her and quickly sneak myself up to kill the guy who was going to turn into a satan, and as I was doing so the possessed demonic woman was smelling all around the hall to trace me (quite pointless really, at one point she was standing right in front of me sniffing the invisible me but still didn't find out I was actually there).

Okay! So lets move on to the disturbing part of the dream. Afterwards I quickly went out of the hall, I noticed the guy I was supposed to prevent from stabbing himself to complete the ritual to demonized himself (is there such a word as satanized himself?). I quickly sneaked up to him but it turned out I reached him a bit too late when he was already stabbing himself. Being engulfed with fear that he will enter a state of metamorphosis or some sort, I quickly pushed him down, used my sword/knife/machete (not sure) and quickly tried to kill him by literally cutting him into half horizontally as he was screaming in pain. Mind you that it all felt so real and at that time it felt like the most righteous thing to do. At the very last minute, he turned to me with a very evil smile on his face as his facial figure started to change from one person to another (at this stage I already knew I was too late and the end was near). Each time he lets out his small demonic laughter, my effort to cut him into half slowed down and finally I stopped. It was the kind of feeling when you are standing in front of a satan knowing that apocalypse is near.

Then I woke up, and this is what I had in mind... Judgment day, I hope it is still far away.