My Best Written Stroy (Schizophrenia)

My name is Elena, this is a story about my life.

I currently live in a modern city, surrounded by people who are too caught up with income, fame, and power to an extent that they forget what it means to live.

It wasn't always like this back in the days. I used to live in a distant underdeveloped town with my family and lived happily in glorious ways.

Life was slow but full of memories, every day spent was meaningful as if though it was a daily habit.

Comes a stage when I started to change, so called "came to my senses" and started to revolt to all the norms and all the ways.

To hell with this life spent in this dump I started to call "cage", I might as well leave and venture towards the modern age.

Regardless of my behavior I always had a friend, her name is Catherine and also my best friend.

She did not always agree to my perception of views, but yet she followed me to live in the modern city.

Life in the city was tough, tougher than I thought it was.

There are always ups and downs in life in this confusing city, but luckily Catherine was always there to guide me, indeed in my perception her presence has become an absolute necessity.

However I am not that dumb to not realize that it isn't good to bring too much trouble to others, so I decided to book a few sessions with a psychiatrist to help ease the burden on my shoulders.

I began to frequently cry and scream to myself every now and then. Too frustrated with life, love, and my committed sins.

Losing control, both in the workplace and my own home. I desperately tried ways to handle this problem.

Miraculously, I found a way... It might sound unhealthy but it works nonetheless...

Everytime I stood in the mirror as I stare directly at my own reflection, I curse each and everything and those who I hate in life...

It started with normal curses, but progresses even further as I started to say things such as I will kill and murder...

Amazingly my life was again stable as I was able to live my life normally outside in my workplace, provided with the fact that I did my "mirror" sessions every now and then.

Everything in life began to become better, after several months I no longer need to have a conversation with my mirror.

My psychiatrist was proud with achievement and says I no longer need her service, even Catherine was now happy with all my changes.

Life was great... Until...

CATHERINE.......

I didn't know how it started, when it started, why it started... But it was very.... very disturbing to say the least... This is what happened...

One day, me and Catherine decided to celebrate our life and hit the bar. We got a bit drunk but I was sure we could still drive a car.

Catherine started to say things such as how she has missed our family and the town itself, I tried to convince her not to because we promised to return when we have achieved something great or else our venture to the modern city would be pointless to begin with.

She calmed down, at least I thought she did...

When we were walking outside the bar walking through the alley heading towards the car, something very disturbing happened...

She began to grab my hand and hit herself with it... Again and again repeatedly... I tried to shook her off but I couldn't...

What was more disturbing is while doing that, she screamed to me "Why!? Why!? Stop it!! You're hurting me!!"...

I tried to say something but I was too shocked to utter a word as I couldn't comprehend the situation. It finally stopped when she no longer had the strength to hold my hand...

She was... Bleeding... Passed out in the middle of the road...

It did not make any sense to me... Why would she do that to herself?

But then I finally understood... She needed help... I was SUCH A FOOL!! I walked down the path of depression before and it almost lead me to insanity. What made me think that her life in the modern city was so great to begin with?

Obviously she also has problems in life but she kept it from me so that I won't feel worried about her. TO think that all this time she was holding it in and had to hear to my depressing stories all this while, I cant even begin to imagine what she had to go through!

She needs help... I don't want to let this continue to get worse...

Shortly after that a number of people came to the scene and asked what happened. Panicked, I told them a lie that she was mugged by someone.

Someone was kind enough to offer us a ride to the nearby hospital, I told the same story to the doctors and nurse. Luckily she wasn't seriously injured...

As she was lying unconscious on her bed in the hospital, I stayed by her side thinking of what happened... I promised to myself that I won't leave her alone and won't let the same thing happen again.

When she woke up, she was startled when she saw me. It was a very sad experience for me, seeing my own friend being afraid of me... I calmed her down and told her that everything is fine, repeatedly...

She hugged me and cried for quite some time soon after...

Catherine asked me what happened. I told her that she was mugged, how am I supposed to tell her that she was hitting herself? I couldn't bring myself to tell her that she is insane...

With a doubtful expression on her face She looked directly at me and said "...seriously?". I simply nodded as a reply...

Catherine looked away and said "I see... I was mugged.."

She turned to me and hugged me as she said "I love you, you know that? I really do". I told her I love her as well, I couldn't hold my tears and cried as I hug her...

A month after the incident, everything went fine. I frequently visit Catherine on a daily basis to see how she was doing and she was great!

I still didn't have the heart to ask her what she is depressed about and I couldn't even imagine what it could be!

I started to survey her daily activities for a month... Her life is WONDERFUL! Every where she goes, people treat her with smiles and she is even loved by everyone in her workplace.

As far as love life is concerned, she is not the type of person who is weak enough to be depressed to an extent of becoming unstable about it. Plus, she is not in a relationship.

I was quite jealous myself seeing how the guys tried to flirt with her during the month and was turned down one after another. I can't imagine what it is that she was depressed about a month earlier, I really couldn't...

And so, I thought there was nothing to be worried about... Until one day...

I saw bruises on her body... I tried to ask her how she got it, but she simply smiles at me and said "That is nothing to be worried about. You need to be happy!".

From then on Catherine started to do things to make me happy and frequently asked me if there is anything that I am depressed about. As far as anything is concerned my life is doing great really, it is Catherine that I am worried about!

However, this continues, I can see a couple of new bruises on her body every now and then but she wouldn't tell me anything about it.

One night, I couldn't sleep so I decided to pay a random visit to Catherine.

When I knocked on her door, she opened it and was terrified to see me and instantly shut the door close...

I quickly asked her what was going on but she didn't utter a word... After repeatedly asking to get in I began to feel that there is something terribly wrong with her...

I fear that it might be a self-inflicting abuse that she is doing to herself and that she is still unstable. Why else would she act in such a way?

Then I shouted "If you don't open the door, I will destroy it open!".

She quickly shouted back "Don't hit me!"...........

It was... Very disturbing to hear that from her again since the incident...

I was then convinced that she needs help... I calmed her down and conviced her to open the door... She finally gave in and unlocked the door open.

When I entered, she was still terrified. But I quickly gave her a hug and told her that everything was going to be alright. She cried.

Before I left the house, I stole a spare key from her just in case the same thing happened again. After that, I went home to sleep and ponder to myself whether or not should I advice a professional help for her.

Tomorrow morning, I decide to check her daily routine again, but it seems that everything is normal... I really don't understand what was going on with her... She might have a dual personality or something...

I usually sleep early, however after the incident the day before, I find it hard to sleep. So I decided to pay a visit to Catherine again just to make sure she was okay.

AGAIN! She was terrified to see me but this time she didn't unlock the door and told me to go home in a terrified voice.

After that I decided to sneak into her house the next night with the spare key I stole her from her to see for myself if she was doing anything weird especially inflicting pain to her self.

That night, I sneaked into her house successfully without being noticed. Was quite impressed with myself, but felt like a burglar at the same time, wasn't proud of it.

Catherine was taking a shower so I decided to sneak into her room and grab her diary to see what was going on with her life. Seeing how predicatable she was, it was rather easy to find it.

So I went downstairs to read the diary...

The content was fun to read at first but I decided to skip to the part after the first incident occurred at the bar... It was... Nonsense...

I can't understand what is going in her mind!! I read a page after another discovering upon sentences which doesn't make sense at all!

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"Today Elena hit me... I don't know what's going on, she told me that I was mugged so I simply pretended I didn't remember anything. I love her, I hope its just because she was drunk."

"Elena is starting to stalk me everyday now... I don't know whats wrong with her... I think she might need help but I can't tell her that..."

"I'm afraid.... I'm afraid of my own best friend!! She is starting to call me in the middle of the night saying harsh words and how she wanted to beat me every time she saw me! She needs help... She really does!"

"It seems that during the day Elena seems normal... I asked her if she called me last night but she didn't remember a thing..."

"Its becoming a daily thing for Elena to curse at me during the night via the phone... I didn't answer the phone, but hearing to the voice messages terrifies me... I am scared... This is not Elena..."

"Elena came to my house tonight! I was terrified like hell! But it seems that it was the normal Elena, I felt bad locking the door on her but I am too afraid with her right now... I can't handle this.."

"Elena came again to my house tonight, I am convinced not to open the door this time. Who knows what might happen. I am going to find her a specialist before this gets out of hand".
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.....Has Catherine become too unstable? Is she hallucinating? I simply sat on on the couch trying to understand what was going on. But Catherine came down before I could actually leave the house.

She was HIGHLY TERRIFIED and screamed like a crazy woman as she panically ran to her kitchen. I was terrified seeing how my friend was acting in such a way...

I quickly walked into the kitchen, saw a knife on a nearby table and decided to hide it in a drawer just in case if she grabs it and do something to herself seeing how unstable she currently is...

Catherine was crying in the corner screaming at me "HOW THE HELL DID YOU ENTER MY HOUSE!? YOU NEED HELP ELENA!! YOU NEED HELP!!"

Seeing how disturbed she was, I couldn't explain to her how I stole the key just to check up on her to prevent her from hitting herself.

So I decided to calm her down as I always did by giving her a hug...

But as I walked towards her, she became VERY VERY TERRIFIED... She was frantically trying to reach for something or find an exit but she was practically trapped in the corner...

So I slowly walked towards her...

She began to cry uncontrollably and sat on the floor while covering herself... As if she actually believes that I wanted to hit her...

As she was down on the floor, I noticed a mirror which was hanging around at the wall behind her...

I looked at myself... I was... Smiling... I couldn't recognize myself... I was literally smiling eventhough I wasn't actually smiling...

I tried to reach for my face with my hand to see if I was actually smiling... It was then that I noticed...

The knife that I previously hidden in the drawer previously... I was still holding it in my hand...

When the hell did that happen!? How the hell did that happen!? I panicked and let go of the knife...

Catherine noticed it and quickly pushed me away as she ran outside of the house...

It took me quite a while to understand the situation... Not knowing what to do, I went to Catherine's phone in the living room to call her mobile phone to tell her that everything is alright...

I saw the voice messages was blinking... Clicked on it without thinking... There was 14 messages... And it was all from ME...

I was cursing to Catherine... Threatened to kill her... Complaining how perfect her life is.... Told her how jealous I am of her... And told her how I enjoyed beating her...

It.......................
It was...................
It was me................

I am the one having the problem... I am the unstable person... I am the one who needs help....

To think that Catherine stood by my side all this time even being as terrified as she already is...

She still tried to help me... She still tried to make me happy to overcome my depression... She still tells me that she loves me....

I cried frantically by the phone throwing a tantrum in which I could not control....

SUDDENLY.....

I heard someone knocking on the door....

I went to open the door... And noticed a man standing in front of it... It was a weird feeling.. His presence feels familiar, but yet I don't really know him and I am sure I haven't met him before...

He looked at me...

Touched my shoulder...

And said "I'm sorry... I really am.."

I asked why... Why was he apologizing for... And then he told me the reason... A very ridiculous reason... He told me this...

"Sorry, my name is Ammar Haidhar. In case you didn't notice, I am the author for this story. I couldn't have access to the internet because my broadband's modem is messed up and I have to replace a new one eventhough I only bought it for less than 2 weeks.So I decided to write a random story, and the story turns out to be about you and your best friend. Again, in case you didn't notice, I stole your names from the Vampire Diaries series, thus, Catherine and Elena! Hahah!Again, sorry. I don't like sad endings, so I will make this easy for you. You can choose whichever ending for yourself, just choose! I can write it down for you. Seriously! By the way I told Catherine to grab me a snickers on the way back to discuss about this, am hungry! So, what would yo-"

*Slap*! Thus Ammar was slapped by Elena before he could even finish saying what he wanted to say. It turns out that it is the actual ending of this story which was chosen Elena.

Aaaaah, Happy endings! I love happy endings. :D

Something about polygamy

As usual, before I dwell myself into the topic which is stated in the title above, I would divert myself by talking about random stuff before proceeding with the main topic. So now lets begin with a number of things that I would like to say, express, or share.

#Random Post Number 1

Now, why in the world do people write something in their blogs? Obviously everyone have their own reasons. Some simply wants to share their life experience, people say sharing is caring, I say sharing is attention-whoring. I'm not saying its not good, in fact, attention-whoring is perhaps one of my greatest hobby if I may say so myself. Psychologically speaking, this can be explained through the human's hierarchy of needs. What is it? Well, basically it is a pyramid which states the needs of humans which is separated into 5 different categories ascending from the bottom to the top in relevance to their level of need. The image below will help you understand a bit more about it.

As you can see from the image above, the middle section of the pyramid emphasizes on the social needs of human beings. Majority of bloggers simply use blog as a medium to attain social acceptance and the idea of self-belongingness in cyberspace.

Now, the second reason why most bloggers blog is because they want to use it as a method of improving themselves in terms of their writing, creativity, or maturity. Most of the time, it usually appears like a very interesting idea to do this for newbies. But little do they know that most of the time, when these people get older, they will be disgusted, irritated, annoyed, and even ashamed of themselves in their past writing. Thus most of them usually decides to delete or renew their blog.

Have you guys noticed that the number of bloggers had amazingly decreased throughout the years? This is due to the existence of facebook itself. Most people simply write blogs so that others would read and comment about their posts. With the help of facebook, that is very easily attainable without the need of much effort. PLUS! Only a little amount of people manage to become successful bloggers, whereas others simply have blogs which people never visit and comment (one of the sad examples would be my blog, *sniff sniff*). So, people usually divert their attention towards the use of facebook to write short status updates in replacement of their usual blogposts.

#Random Post Number 2

I wonder how much of you guys actually know about SOPA?

#Random Post Number 3

Getting into an argument is perhaps one of the most useful ways of improving your debating skills. But there are some individuals and some topics of arguments that you should refrain yourself from participating into, for example, having a religious argument with an atheist. Why? Because no one can win. Plus, each party will ignore the opposition's argument since they do not accept their points. It is almost as if you are seeing a deaf person arguing with a blind person. The deaf person is arguing that with the ability if sight, you can best see the true beauty of the world by looking at the color of rainbows an etc. Whereas the blind person argues that with the ability of hearing, you can best see the true beauty of the world by hearing the beautiful sounds of nature and musics. Each won't be able to convince their points to one another thus the arguments will be never-ending. Now the true question here is, how does a deaf person argue with a blind person?

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Polygamy

I am not from a religious school and I was always oblivious of whatever which is happening around me during my days in school. The first time I actually paid attention to and understood the meaning of polygamy was during my school days when I was 16 years old (form 4). At that time, my teacher wanted the class to argue with one another in front of the class about polygamy, whether or not it should be applicable for men. Two male students (supporting polygamy) and two female students (disagree with polygamy) went in front of the class to argue with one another. At first I was like, what in the world is polygamy? After they started to argue, only then that I knew it actually refers to a term that describes a man having more than one wife.

The dudes argued that polygamy should be supported because the amount of women is more then men, some will be single and forever alone if polygamy is not applied (not to mention the amount of those men who died before marriage and homosexuals at large). They also argued that if a women became a widow, it is most likely that no single man wants to marry that woman, thus the more reason why polygamy should be applicable because an experienced married men know how to manage a family and are most likely to accept the widow as their wife.

The girls on the other hand argued that MEN are not RESPONSIBLE enough to handle polygamy. They were speaking from their own self-experience of having a father who neglects their family because he was more attentive towards the other wife. So they argued that men won't be able to properly practice fairness and this would invite trouble and unnecessary problems to the family.

Towards the end, of course the teacher says that Polygamy should be supported because it is the Islamic rule that Allah has provided.

I believe that the arguments being done was not pleasing since the girls end up feeling as if they are still correct since their argument was not countered by the male students. I was quite disappointed by the male students because they were supposed to represent us, in fact they self-willingly went to the front of the class to do so. I was bewildered by the stupidity of the dudes who were obviously whoring for attention instead of standing for polygamy. I was also astonished by the stupidity of the girls for daringly trying to prove that polygamy (the law that Allah himself had established) should be abolished.

When we argue with these kind of people who's against polygamy, it is obvious that by simply stating about statistical facts and saying that this is the law of Allah will not be enough to properly convince them. So lets just be nice and try to see things in their perspectives and be in their shoes for a second. Now, the first thing you should do is agree with them a bit by saying that what they are trying to say is understandable. It is true that guys will most likely fail in terms of properly taking care of their wives and families in complete fairness. Thus polygamy usually leads to broken families in Malaysia.

However, we should not refer to those failures to ultimately represent what polygamy is all about. Now, what is the role of a husband and a father? We know that once a man marries a woman, he carries all the sin of his wife and also carries the sin of his daughters if he so fails to guide them. Even if he were to spread the teachings of Islam and converts people into Muslim, when the time has come and he wants to enter heaven, his wife and daughter will cling to him and say "why did you not guide us properly and leave us damned to hell? Why did you spread the teachings of Islam to others but ignore us as we do sins everyday? We demand that you enter the depths of hell with us because you did not perform your duty as a husband and a father" (well, something like that).

One should know how HIGH the responsibility of a HUSBAND actually is. One should know how PREPARED a MAN must be before he performs his MARRIAGE. One should know how DIFFICULT it actually is to perform the role of a husband. If one knows about all these, then one knows that MARRIAGE is for a MAN who is fully PREPARED to held the full RESPONSIBILITY of being a husband, and things like dishonesty and cheating should be nothing to worry about.

In the age we are living in, marriage is looked upon as if a normal thing. They fail to see the actual beauty behind marriage itself and what it symbolizes. It symbolizes the wife entirely devoting her life to help her husband and lend him her trust, hoping that he would be the one who will properly guide her to heaven. It symbolizes the husband willing to carry the entire burden of being responsible for all of his wife's sin, and guide her until the day he dies. Nowadays, people only see money and commitment as the key factor in marriage. They pay less attention to the actual responsibility one should carry once they are married and the consequences if one were to fail.

Seeing how HEAVY a MARRIAGE actually is and how HIGH the REQUIREMENT that one should reach to actually get married... Then one should know that POLYGAMY is not for any average Joe. Polygamy is indeed a special case that should only be practiced by few who are actually capable of doing so. Women usually disagree with polygamy because they believe that men are not capable of practicing equal-fairness, that is only true because they simply refer to the kind of man that they usually meet in real life. In reality, not every man can carry the responsibility of a husband in polygamy. We should know that Allah is all-knowing and He would not establish a law with flaws. In fact, Allah is all-knowing he establishes Polygamy because He knows the ABSOLUTE TRUTH.

There is a limit to reasoning with our human intellect when it comes to religion, that is where faith and the pillars of Iman plays into context. You try to reason too much in terms of logic, then you will end up like those in the Western countries who supports Human rights and ends up being filled with homosexuals and free sex. That is how far human reasoning can bring you without the help of religion.

Thus, it is obvious that if a man actually performs his requirements and does all his role as a husband in Polygamy, then nothing will go wrong. In fact, polygamy is actually a beautiful thing but people as such as us who are too focused on the concept of ONE TRUE LOVE (too caught up with Western movies and modern relationships), will not be able to see and appreciate the true beauty of polygamy. That is indeed very sad...

However, that is understandable. Because even by knowing all this, I find it hard to appreciate the beauty of polygamy as well. I know the beauty of it, but it is hard to internally appreciate it with all honesty because I am not familiar with it. When it comes to religion Islam, we need knowledge, faith, and effort to fully accept, see, practice, appreciate and love Islam as a WHOLE. Some people fail to appreciate the true beauty of hari raya korban, they fail to appreciate to beauty of hudud, and many other stuff due to the fact that they are too caught up with human reasoning alone. Most Muslims still haven't reached this state because they are too caught up with "life", they fail to see that life on earth is simply a temporarily station to collect deeds before we go to our next eternal location which might be heaven or hell.

In Islam, just KNOWING is NOT enough. It requires MORE than that, more than my words can say. That is one of the true beauty of Islam, which many others fail to see and haven't reached. I myself haven't reached this level and am still in the struggle of achieving such position. Because I am simply not strong and willing enough to offer my love and affection to other women out there other than Arinah Rozhan who I believe will be my future wife that I will guide in the future. But for those out there who wants to practice polygamy, I will give you my full support in doing so :D.

Problems.. Inspiration.. Something New I learn About Myself.

Each and everyone of us have their own problems and secrets that they have to cope with.

Some handle their problems better than others, some others the other way around.

There are others out there who already encountered major problems in life.

Whereas there is also others out there still living care-freely without any worries whatsoever. Little do they know that there is a very high possibility that there might be some "problems" instilled for them in the future. Fate works in a very mysterious way, nothing is certain.

When we say the word "problem", I am pretty sure each and everyone of us have a problem. The FIRST question that should come to mind is not HOW the problem should be SOLVED. But more importantly, HOW does one ENDURES and HANDLE their problem to begin with. We should know by now that a "problem" is not actually a "problem" if the solution for the "problem" can be thought of so easily. Obviously, a "problem" should be clearly defined as a "problem" when the solution for the problem is never certain. As you can see, "problem" can only be solved with the help of "time".

Typically, when one encounters a problem... A clear solution does not exist. Instead, the only option people have most of the time is to "wait and see how it goes".

Why are problems so damn annoying? Psychologically speaking, one would say that it has got to do with our core of thinking itself, our mind. Our brain consists of complex systems which are intertwined with one another. These sets of complex systems beautifully merges with one another to make everything work under a single system. One thing about Psychology is that different perspectives always arises and what makes them interesting is none of them are actually absolute. No one can clearly set the line and say which one is completely correct and wrong. So what we do is we basically refer to all these different perspectives to make sense of the human system........ I have wondered too far off here, lets take a few step backwards now. Why are problems so damn annoying? Some psychologist believes that our brain is always working 24 hours a day. It continually works even when we are asleep. In other words, our brain is like a super computer.

Now, imagine what happens when our brain encounters a problem? Obviously our brain will literally work its ass off to figure out the solution. Usually when it comes to mathematical problems for example, it puts a very high amount of pressure towards our brain when we are figuring out the answers to the problem. However, when the solution is gained, the pressure slowly fades away. Why? Because the brain is finally relieved from figuring out the solution. The longer the brain has to figure out a solution, the more the pressure adds up.... But... What happens if the problem couldn't be solved through thinking alone? Well, some say that we could simply think about something else instead and ignore it. However, some psychologist says that no matter how deliberately we try to ignore the subject matter, the brain will always unconsciously figure out the solution towards the problem even though the solution does not exist. Therefore, more and more pressure is built up as the time passes by. In other words, we will still feel pressured no matter how much we try to hide it.

Now, different people cope with their problems differently. This should be our main focus. Why?Because this in a way, will define who we are. Why is this so important? Well, if I have to point it out myself, there are many well-known people out there who is admired just because of how they handled their dark past. These people are admired because of how they overcome the problems many others fail to overcome themselves. These people inspires those out there... They became others source of inspiration...They are the very existence that proves problems can be solved no matter how ridiculous it may seem... People are relieved to know when their problems are insignificant when compared to some of those out there in the world.

Lets take people around you for example. I am pretty sure you have seen loads of different type of people so far. Some are the quiet type, some are easy going, some are simply irritating. Now when it comes to problem, we can see how these people cope up with theirs. Some keep their problems to their selves and managed to handle their problems professionally. Some others fail to keep their cool and instead become an over-dramatic queen who tells the whole world about his/her "problems" as if she/he is the only unlucky being on the face of this earth. Believe me when I say there are others out there who has problems that are unimaginably cruel. But still, some of the people out there who has to confront with this overwhelming "problems" somehow managed to keep their "cool". How is this possible?

Not many people are capable of keeping their cool when they are facing problems of their own. Most of the time they can't handle it and what they do is they try to find ways to help them feel fine such as expressing to their loved ones about how they feel deep inside. But not everyone does so in a positive way. There are times in our life when we see people trying to escape the harshness of reality by exercising, playing, hanging out, smoking, fighting, causing more problems and such.

Do you guys now see why I mentioned previously that our ways of confronting our problems will define who we are? People will always remain being who they are as long as no other events occur that will change it otherwise. There are sayings that simply goes like "You will know who that person truly is when he/she is facing problems". How come? Well, I believe that when people are facing problems, these problems will have a high chance of shaping the person's future way of thinking and behavior.

Let's just give a typical example to understand this better. Most of the time we can see girls/boys at our young age complaining about the ones they are in love with. How do they handle the outcome when they found out their "loved" ones cheat on them or dump them for reasons they can't accept? On facebook for example, we see girls posting status updates such as "All guys are the same! They never understand us! They are liars! They are a lying piece of sh-". Sadly, this also goes the same to the dudes.... We can see some dudes who says "Every girls are the same. I might as well stay single. Bros before Hoes~!"......... Which is really really really quite SAD if you ask me.

Because of the personal problem they faced, most of them will generate a stereotype form of thinking. I'd say this is natural as the brain is simply creating a defensive mechanism that will prevent the host from repeating the same mistake. However, it is good to know that knowledge overcomes our stereotypes.

So where were we? Oh yeah. Problems -> Stereotypes -> Alters belief and action -> Slightly/moderately/highly changes who we are. Of course, this is only just an example. There are many other different ways "problems" can change our personality.

To keep things short and meaningful, I would just like to say be careful and be smart on how you handle your problems. Bear in mind that some problems could not be solved with your own power alone and that some problems can only be solved due time. We should not let problems degrade our qualities as a respectful human being we ought to be.

The reason I am writing this post is basically to portray a bit of my problems without actually telling what the problem actually is. I am not the type of person who likes to share my problems with other people, and most of the time even if I accidentally or intentionally shared the story of my problems to others, I usually end up regretting it. Some times, problems should be kept to ourselves, and how to handle such problems is entirely up to you (sometimes.. but most of the time in my case I guess).

How do you perceive your own character? There are times when I noticed my character is a bit messed up seeing how my likes and dislikes can clash with one another depending on the situation. I have loads of negative views and perceptions that I have in mind but what I usually let out for people to see are only the nice ones. Usually I curse a lot, I curse so much that people around me sometimes feel uncomfortable due to the negative energy I bring out (I made this assumption when I notice how people's facial expression started to slowly change, and most of the time when this happens I quickly decided to shut my mouth seeing how negative it is being). Well, I guess that is most probably my fault for hanging out with the wrong peers in school. Luckily I managed to restrain myself and then slowly change myself from being that kind of person.

I find it truly hard to define myself as I believe in a few principles that I have set up in my mind but I find it difficult to physically apply such principles.

I noticed that previously I usually had this problem on how to clearly define myself properly most of the time I find my personality contradicting.

However, that is no longer the case. Spending most of my time away from UIA, I managed to do what I love most which is by having my own free space of spending my own sweet time internally speaking intrapersonally with my own self. By having time to do so, I have noticed some things about me that never actually changed for a very long time...

I am easily inspired... But it is hard for me to stay inspired for a very long time due to the fact that I usually find out something that I am disappointed with sooner or later towards that specific thing/person that I am inspired with...

I have my own beliefs and understandings on general matters but I don't usually express it to people unless necessary.

I don't like communicating with new people as I do not like my character to be judged. People usually judge a person and adapt to that person by their understanding of others character from their first confrontation with one another. In other words, this is also known as our first impression. Most of the time, people firstly try to have some conversations with the new person. Once they have gathered the necessary information of that person, later they will reorganize that information and analyze it for future reference. What people usually do first is to decide whether or not should they befriend with such person on the first place. If so, they will decide to ignore future confrontation or add more confrontation with that specific person according to the decision made.

People often think that by frequently meeting with the person over and over again, they might slowly and surely start to learn more about the person itself and then from there they can adapt themselves better to communicate with that person. But people should bear in mind that no matter how many times you meet that person over and over again, if that person itself decides to put up a fake front and conceal their true self each and every time they confront with one another, they can never truly learn more about the person they are talking to.

One more significant thing that I learned about myself is that I am not that mysterious nor am I that difficult to be understood. Its just that I refuse to let people into my life for reasons I have yet to discover. I don't like being misjudged but then again I purposely put up a fake front each and every time a confrontation is made. I guess this is just a bad habit of mine that I haven't yet changed and I myself am confused whether or not this habit of mine should be changed in the first place.

I admit that I am an antisocial type of person, but I can easily have a conversation with people if I want to. But the problem is, I don't want to. I only have conversations with people and build friendship in situations that seems necessary.

Other than that, the people I have approached so far are only people that I am personally interested with and most of them are kind and interesting people that I am interested to make friends with. I noticed this I am very greedy in terms of choosing who I befriend with. But so far, I cant complain since I like each and everyone who is in my circle of friends.

Today I have learned more about myself. I am not so "self-contradicting" and "difficult" as I previously and frequently say I am. I am only "self-contradicting" because I purposely wear a mask when I confront people whom I am not comfortable with. But I have noticed that this mask can easily be shaken if I am confronted with people who appear to be kind in my point of view. I have this thing about me and I guess I simply like to have conversations with those who are kind. Also, I am only "difficult" because I choose to be that way. When I move away the haze and clouds that disturbs my view, who I am and what I am is actually very clear in front of me. No more confusion, no more contradiction, no more difficulties. I am actually quite a simple person hohoho~

Inspiration.

I am the type of person who is easily inspired by people around me and most of the time these people doesn't even notice how inspiring they actually are. Be it in physical aspects or in other areas that involves creativity and the power of language and writing, I am easily inspired by all.

Most of the time, these people I am inspired with have their very own sets of belief and criteria that they have set in mind. Rather than what they have accomplished and what they are capable of accomplishing, the way of thinking they have in their mind is what makes them incredibly amazing to begin with.

Parkour/Tricking/Freerunning for example... Some simply look at them like idiots who never considered the risk and consequences you get when you fall. But this perception is far from true. These people have beliefs set in their mind that will set you people on awe. By entering their way of thinking and perception they have in life, you will notice how ridiculously amazing their perceptions actually are. This perception of theirs are most of the time ILLOGICAL to have in mind with out rational thinking alone.... but TRUE. It is true that no matter how many times we train ourselves to jump from a 2nd storey building, it does not make the jump any shorter. It is true that training gives us strength. But if we are really simply talking about strength alone, wouldn't that mean each and every highly active basketball players can do what we do and do it better in the first place? Technique? So do you guys really believe that technique is ALL there is to it? Does that mean by learning the technique alone, these basketball players can easily jump from the 2nd storey building like tracheurs do?

Technique is the key to unlock the door.

Strength is required to twist the door knob.

But both of these are not the ones required to push the door open.

The thing that we need to have in order to push the door open, is self confidence.

What mostly changes overtime through practice is not our strength or technique, but mostly our self confidence. Why am I talking about this? Because I notice that some amazing athletes in the world of freerunning are soooo CRAZY to an extent that their self-confidence are absurdly illogical to be applied to normal people.. But this set of thinking is absolutely true when we actually spend some time to think about it.

Of course no matter how much we train ourselves, the jump that we are going to do from the 2nd storey building will not be any shorter. What changes are simply our self confidence. No matter how strong we really are and no matter how much technique we have mastered in our mind... By the time we are doing it, if we do not have any self confidence, shit happens. That is why most tracheurs encounter injury most of the time. May it be a difficult move or a simple move, most of the time the most serious injury inflicted to tracheurs are from SIMPLE MOVES. It is almost stupid if we actually spend our time to think about it. Just because we lack self confidence, we did not make that extra jump, we did not keep our proper form, and thus we fail and land miserably on the ground. This would all end very differently and beautifully if we simply had self confidence to begin with.

Also there are other types of people whom I am easily inspired with. Most of the time I am easily inspired by those who can easily express themselves. I am inspired by those who can express themselves by easily typing sooooooooooo loooooooooong but yet their way of writing managed to catch and keep the interest of the readers all the way to then end. I am inspired by those who can easily express themselves and make themselves look stupid in front of the camera but in an entertaining way rather than "irritating". They know the lines between being too excessive in showing expressions and being too dull in not showing enough expressions.

Most of the time, I am usually inspired by those who hold close to a certain principle that sounds soooo incredible to an extent that holding to that principle alone shows how amazing that person actually is.

Okay, I guess that is enough for now. Let me just share to you guys what I have done so far during this holiday.

-Joined Sejuta Impian and managed to get rm20k

-Joined Axn Big Challenge Kuala Lumpur and got into the top 10.

-Joined Sasuke Malaysia

-Made a new video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRIi3TxqAsM&feature=youtu.be

Until next time. :)

Paras|te|sAnEx|stence

A Dream To Kill A Satan

I had a dream just now, around 1 hour ago to be more specific... As you know, dream is one of the most unique thing to describe about. Dream can come to you as an inspiration, as a traumatizing experience, as a flashback, as an entertainment, as a story, as a message, and most of the time it doesn't even make sense. I decided to blog about this dream of mine because it felt real... And it so happens that I don't know what else to do to kill time until 10 a.m as I wait for Siddiq to fetch me up for wall climbing (currently 8.30 am).

In this dream of mine, I was on a mission to prevent the reincarnation of a satan by preventing a guy from completing the ritual (stabbing himself). The dream was quite long, so I'll just skip to the ending and spare you the details for example me being trapped in a hall with a possessed demonic woman, I somehow became managed to become invisible to hide from her and quickly sneak myself up to kill the guy who was going to turn into a satan, and as I was doing so the possessed demonic woman was smelling all around the hall to trace me (quite pointless really, at one point she was standing right in front of me sniffing the invisible me but still didn't find out I was actually there).

Okay! So lets move on to the disturbing part of the dream. Afterwards I quickly went out of the hall, I noticed the guy I was supposed to prevent from stabbing himself to complete the ritual to demonized himself (is there such a word as satanized himself?). I quickly sneaked up to him but it turned out I reached him a bit too late when he was already stabbing himself. Being engulfed with fear that he will enter a state of metamorphosis or some sort, I quickly pushed him down, used my sword/knife/machete (not sure) and quickly tried to kill him by literally cutting him into half horizontally as he was screaming in pain. Mind you that it all felt so real and at that time it felt like the most righteous thing to do. At the very last minute, he turned to me with a very evil smile on his face as his facial figure started to change from one person to another (at this stage I already knew I was too late and the end was near). Each time he lets out his small demonic laughter, my effort to cut him into half slowed down and finally I stopped. It was the kind of feeling when you are standing in front of a satan knowing that apocalypse is near.

Then I woke up, and this is what I had in mind... Judgment day, I hope it is still far away.

Paras|te|sAnEx|stence

A Curse That Befalls An Angel

Once upon a time, there was once a beautiful angel that lives in the heavens. Angels are well known for their beauty as well as their persistent behavior of not taking any interest in the worldly treasures. Thus such thing as greed, hunger and lust is something an angel would not posses. This one particular angel however is uniquely different from all the others. Not only is this angel unique because the angel is far more beautiful than all the other angels combined, the angel is also unique because of the human characteristics she posses. However, it is also because of this “human characteristics” she has that made her so different from all the others to an extent that the angels no longer hang around with her, or to be more exact, this angel no longer hang around with others as she wanders around alone too much satisfying her own desires.

This angel wanders around our world, seeking for delicious foods from each and every corner she can find. Some might say that her superior beauty came with the curse of having the human characteristics she posses. An angel is of course invisible before the human eyes, therefore it is simply too easy for the angel to go flying wherever she pleases and takes whatever she desires. Is it stealing? Well of course, that’s why some call her human characteristics a curse.

Then comes a day when this angel becomes amazingly fat due to the fact that she ate too much. But still her wings carry her from one location to another searching for food that she could not resist. One day, her wings just snapped as they could no longer support the weight of her body. Without her wings, she simply became a regular human being that now has to walk with her own two feet on world we are living in. Unfortunately, it goes more beyond that. Unto this day, the angels in the heavens still described this event as the worst curse ever befall unto an angel with natural gifts that supersedes others and the reason such curse exist is because of the human characteristics instilled in the angels personality. With her wings gone, she was inflicted with a curse with several effects….

One… She is left with all the desires and characteristics of a human…

Two… Although her body can now be seen by ordinary humans, her beauty is not under the comprehension of normal human beings thus her superior beauty could not be properly understood and appreciated by ordinary humans…

Three… She is cursed with a body that will no longer go fat no matter how much she eats, this curse is to represent the unending desire she previously had when this curse befall unto her…

With these cursed attributes she now has, she is forced to live on the face of this earth. She finally came across a man that somehow had an exceptional perception that allows him to see how beautiful she truly is. She spent the rest of her life with that particular man as she daily fed herself with human foods to survive…

From the perception of angels in the heavens, this curse is indeed overwhelmingly sad, cruel, and unfortunate. Because of this incident, there has not been a single angel who dares set even one foot on the face of the earth any longer. It is indeed a tragic ending for an angel that carries too much gifts, as well as the curse that came along with it…

….

….

However, this is simply the perception of those angels in the heavens. What about the perception of the angel that encountered this curse?

Well, from her point of view, it is not a curse at all. Instead, it was a blessing. Not only is she now able to openly enjoy the worldly pleasures that other angels could only dream of, she is now blessed with the best gifts that the human world could possibly offer… That is the ability of loving the one she loves like crazy and being loved back just as much… She now has a person that she can share her feelings with, share her joy with, and share her entire life with… A person that finally understood and appreciate her for who she really is and what she actually is deep inside… The only curse she believed to encounter being a human is most probably love itself, as it is something so addictive that she can no longer live without… The event is indeed a blessing from her point of view… Plus, she can no longer go fat no matter how much she eats. What more can you ask for?

Paras|te|sAnEx|stence

I Have A Stalker + Random Posts

I HAVE A STALKER

I've been noticing this for awhile since a friend of mine Naqib Ahmad told me about it. I was walking in UIA in search of a lecturer when I bumped into him. I don't remember much regarding to what we spoke about but I do remember the conversation we had when he asked me "Ammar, do you have another facebook profile?". I was trying to critically think before answering such a question because I remembered creating a number of fake facebook accounts for gaming purposes (lame, I know...), but then again, none of them are filled with account information or pictures that can be related to me since it is pointless to add any to the temporary fake accounts. So then I said nope. Naqib told me that he found a fake facebook profile by the name of "Ammar Jacob" with my profile picture along with other pictures in the picture album. At first I thought maybe it was a mistake so when I went back to my dorm, I tried to search for it and voila! It actually exists.

The facebook account was set on private so I could not actually see any details about him. If this kind of stuff happen to you, how would you react? In facebook, I noticed some of the girls in UIA actually encountered this problem as well. How did they react to it? One thing for sure, they reacted to it more aggressively then I ever will.

The Girls Reaction:

1. The first thing they do is they spread the information to their friends.

2. Then all of them will post the fake profile link on their wall telling everyone to be cautious of the profile seeing how it is actually fake.

3. They directly contact the account and ask the person to stop doing it. ( I don't know if they insert curse words and threats in the process or not)

So you see, girls from UIA are certainly not the kind of girls you want to mess with. However in my case, I reacted to the situation differently seeing that it is a bit different compared to their cases. You see, at first I tried to investigate a bit about the profile to know the actual motive why that fake profile is created. So I noticed that the name of the profile is "Ammar Jacob", and all of the personal informations are made up to an extent that it has got nothing to do with me. So I thought to myself, "Well, if such a profile does not intend to harm me in any way, then I guess no harm is done".

I don't mind if a person would take away my pictures and do a fake profile or anything. I won't even mind if I have a shy stalker who would go so far as making a fake profile of me (Wow, wouldn't that be awesome? To be admired to such an extent, I must be doing something right then lol), as long as no harmful intention is included of course. So some of my friends actually tried adding the fake profile, and guess what? It seems that the friend request was accepted. That simply means the profile is STILL being used even now. Just days ago, the profile had updated the profile picture by changing another profile picture of me as well. I find this to be AMAZING.. You know why? Because the pictures in his album are actually pictures of me that you can't find on MY facebook or myspace anymore. Why? Because I deleted them almost 2 years ago. So, what does that mean? It means, whoever the person is, he or she had already copied and saved my pictures all the way from 2 YEARS back. Now there are TWO different possibilities:

1. The account was made from 2 YEARS back, and even until NOW the person still UPDATES the profile on facebook and ACCEPTS friend requests.

2. The account was RECENTLY made. But that also means, the person had already SAVED my pictures for TWO LONG YEARS before actually using the

m for the fake account.

Either way, it is still amazing. What is the reason behind the existence of this facebook account? It could be a stalker, but then again I don't think I am the kind of person worth stalking. So the best reasoning I had made so far is that the person is only using my pictures for his personal agenda. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the way he edit the account actually makes me look like a gay. So in other words, I think the person is actually a gay, and he simply creates a fake facebook profile, but he is too shy to use his own picture, thus he randomly stole my pictures, and then make them his, and then continued pretending to be me to find another gay associates on facebook. Well, that is simply a "maybe" because I seriously don't think I am worth stalking.

I don't care what people do with my pictures, as long as they don't associate that picture directly to me by using my full name and where I study and such. Then that would be blasphemy and false accusations are being made against me. Seeing that no harm is being done by the fake account, I see no reason for me to trouble him/her. Plus, he/she actually went through all the trouble of making a fake account, the least I could do is let him/her be. So I just hope that he/she can enjoy him/herself in anyway possible. I guess that is all I would like to say about this. For those who encounter the same thing, I will only try to advice you this....DON'T ANGER the one who does the fake account of yours directly. This kind of people won't reply to your demand or anger kindly. The least they are capable of is actually causing more trouble. And who knows what they are capable of in real life, you don't know them in real life, but they do know who you are. By threatening this person and cursing him/her directly and such, you are actually putting yourself in danger. I don't think this is far-stretched seeing how dangerous stalkers actually are overseas. I guess thats it!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001680712949

Recently he changed the profile picture to my shirtless picture which I have deleted since I entered UIA which was (2 years ago). I don't like it.

RANDOM POSTS

I decided to browse through my blog to see all my previous posts in an attempt to find out how my writings had improved itself during these past few years. Amazingly.... I find that I haven't improved at all. In fact, I think my style of writing has actually downgraded itself compared to my previous style of writing. A clear difference would certainly be in my attitude towards writing itself. Previously when I was getting ready to write about something, I usually express my views and opinion in a very detailed manner as I perceive that even the minutest details are important. I write in a way as if I am telling my story to a person who is actually wholeheartedly wanting to hear to them with open ears and glittering eyes asking for more. But lately I guess the way I write is something like this "Uhh, guys.. You know.. Lately, this is what I have in mind... So... Uhh.. I just thought about sharing them, so, uhh.... I guess thats it... Laters I guess...". I guess what I am trying to say is, my passion towards writing is gradually decreasing by the day. Previously if I have something I want to write about I would go like "Ahh, I think I'll write about that one tonight. Yes, definitely tonite..". Now if I have something I want to write about I will go like "Ahh, that is certainly worth writing about...Uhh.. Should I? Uhh... I think so... Umm... Nah~".

I recently played a facebook game application called "Zombie Lane". I became the top player for the game. The game includes scores for each time you kill zombies. So my name was basically on top of the chart, globally among millions of other players. But recently I blocked the application seeing that the update for the game is ridiculously slow, playing everyday just to defend my position was rather pointless. Its amazing how many hundreds of people would randomly add you just because your the top of the game, my friend requests maxed out within just 2 day which is (1000 friend requests). My mother told me to add her on fb (NOOOO WAAAYY~) because when she tried to add me, this came out "Ammar Haidhar have too many friends". Lol. People are still adding me daily, so it is simply a waste of my time to ignore the invites seeing how hundreds more will come in daily. Soooo, I'm sorry to say this (not really), but I won't randomly accept anymore people on fb. Currently I have almost 300 messages from random people asking me to accept their friend request. Also, the reason I block the game is because I find that the game is consuming TOO MUCH of my time and also the most IRRITATING part of everything is that my freakin wall is COMPLETELY SPAMMED with the game's notification which is utterly nonsense if you ask me. Everyday I log into my profile and then I see random people posting on my wall "Hey ammar! I just helped with your yard" etc etc. Enough is enough.

Recently we entered Sasuke Malaysia to represent Parkour Malaysia. I am VERY VERY EXCITED to inform you guys the details BUT, the information regarding the competition is confidential due to the fact that it not aired yet on the national television. One thing for sure is that it is awesome and it is indeed one of the greatest feat achieved by the parkour community so far. What do I mean? That's a secret meheheh... (Secret? Not really. I am pretty sure you can find out what happen if you actually google around a bit. As a participant though, I don't have the privilege to offer you the details) :D

ALSO! We initiated the Freerun Challenge on the exact same day it self!! I forgot to mention that the Freerun Challenge and Sasuke Malaysia was held during Hari Belia in Putrajaya. The Freerun Challenge was a complete success!! The location was most of the time, surrounded by spectators as well as tv reporters and individual photographers. Indeed, this year is an awesome year for our Parkour Community! I can list down all the accomplishments we got so far JUST FOR THIS YEAR itself such as Sejuta Impian and Sasuke Malaysia but I don't think I want to write about those stuff in my blog.

As for my exercise, I think I will involve myself with basketball, wallclimbing, and kakigym from now on. I find that the upperbody strength alone is not enough to overcome obstacles, I need stamina as well, and mind you my stamina sucks BIG TIME!

I no longer enjoy blogging as much as I used to, so I assume I won't be blogging frequently in the future. Until next time.

Paras|te|sAnEx|stence

Sasuke Malaysia

It has been awhile since the last time I wrote about anything. Lately if there are something that I want to express, I simply randomly express them shortly via facebook updates. Therefore, this blog is abandoned.

Recently I decided to join "Sasuke Malaysia".... Wait.... What? You guys don't know what the hell Sasuke Malayisa is? OMG..... Can't blame you, they lack advertisement. Click THIS to enter their website.

Have you guys watched Ninja Warrior? No? If you guys haven't watch it, then I advise you guys to search for it on YouTube.

Ninja Warrior is basically a Japanese Gameshow which includes MONSTROUS obstacles that CHALLENGES the limitation of your human body in many different areas including agility, precision, strength and balance.

The game has been ongoing for many years but so far there has only been few winners and they are referred to as living legends. That alone should show how challenging this game really is. What? Still not convinced? Well, this game is very well known to an extent that it spreads WORLDWIDE!! For example, Ninja Warrior can be found in US as well. The US has been repeatedly sending winners from their region to compete for the challenge in Japan to represent their country.... So far, none has returned...... as a winner lol.

The only winners so far are the JAPANESE themselves! That's not the most "wtf" facts, the most "wtf" facts is that these Japanese backgrounds are surprisingly common and none of them reflect the capabilities that they possess! For example, some of the winners are a fisherman, fireman, and a shoeseller..... That's right, a SHOE SELLER! Guys from the US who claims to be a PROFESSIONAL in Freerunning/Parkour FAILS to overcome the Ninja Warrior's challenge in Japan, but a shoe seller in Japan succeeds.... Thats it, I conclude that the Japanese citizens are all Ninjas in disguise.

SO! What is Sasuke Malaysia!? Sasuke Malaysia is derived from Ninja Warrior itself. In other words, Sasuke Malaysia is Ninja Warrior in Malaysian version.

How cool is that? Without a doubt, I am joining the competition! Oh yeah, the winner is going to represent Malaysia to compete in Japan. And Oh yeah, the competition starts this Friday and Saturday in Putrajaya on the 27th and 28th of May 2011.

The rule is simple, you have to overcome all the extreme obstacles within the limited time. If you fall and get contact with water, you lose. Once you passed all the obstacles, you need to press the buzzer.

For Malaysia, there will be 100 participants altogether. Only 10 will advance to the final stage. Only 1 will be the winner. Only one will be given the title "JAGUH PERTAMA MALAYSIA".

The funny part of everything is that we are encouraged to wear something that represents our occupation or what we do in the beginning of the show for example aprons. working attire and etc. We also need to do something to represent our occupation or what we do for example showing a frying pan, do a backflip, etc. In other words, it is going to be funny.

The host for the show is going to be Jehan Miskin, Reem Shahwa, and Mayumi Kasuga.

I've been preparing a loser's speech just in case if I were to fall MISERABLY INTO THE WATER DURING THE FIRST STAGE....

So here is one of them:

"The weather is so hot today, so I decided to go for a swim".

Something like that I guess.

This one if for the winner's speech (that will never happen since I am not confident with the obstacles, let alone winning it):

"First of all I would like to say I have the most beautiful wonderful girlfriend in the whole wide world. Her name is Arinah Rozhan and I intend to marry her in the near future. Sorry, I already reserved her for myself, find someone else to flirt guys. About winning this competition, meh, too eassyyyyy, hohohohohoho~!"

Something like that I guess.

Here are some of the videos that you guys can take a look at to know what Sasuke Malaysia/Ninja Warrior is all about.

http://www.g4tv.com/videos/45409/Ninja-Warrior-All-Star-Profile-Yuugi-Urushihara/

Here is my application video for the competition

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_ljarIpNwE&feature=player_detailpage

Here are all the other applicant's videos for the competition.

http://sasukemalaysia.com/videos2.html

Join Sasuke Malaysia on Facebook to know more. (However, by the time you guys read this, the competition will most likely be over)

Paras|te|sAnEx|stence